Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

We’re desperate to avoid it of course, but
we won’t, for a lot of very good reasons: We don’t understand ourselves We’re all crazy in very particular ways: neurotic,
unbalanced and immature… But we don’t know the details, because no one encourages us too hard to find out.
Our friends just want to be kind and have fun with us. Our enemies don’t want to waste
the trouble. So we end up with such a poor level of self-understanding,
we have no clue who we’d be compatible with. A standard question on any early dinner date
should simply be: ‘how are you mad?’ But it’s so hard to know… Secondly, we don’t understand other people It’s as hard to work out the craziness of
other people as it is our own, they put on such a good show – at first. What we’d ideally need is to send them and
us through a battery of psychological questionnaires and have four years of intensive psychotherapy,
individual and couples’ based – before reaching a decision. By 2100, this will no longer sound like a
joke – people will merely wonder why took humanity so long to get us here. We aren’t used to being happy We think we want happiness, but what we really
want is what we’re used to – and that usually doesn’t involve too much happiness at all. Growing up, most of us had our love mixed
in with other, darker stuff: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandonned or abused.
In short, suffering. And now, whatever we may say, that’s what we’re mostly still on
the look out for. It explains why we rejected all those candidates,
the well-balanced, mature reliable ones, as somehow a bit ‘boring’. – and why we head instead with secret energy
to those characters we unconsciously know will mess us up in such cosily familiar ways. Being single is so awful You have to be very at peace with empty Saturday
evenings, constant alienation and sexlessness in order to be choosy in the right way. No wonder most of us half shut our eyes and
grab what’s there. Instinct has too much prestige Marriage used to be a rational business; all
to do with your parents matching their bit of land with the neighbours’. It was horribly
cold and calculating. So now we have romantic marriages. It’s meant
to be all about how you feel. You should never think too much. To analyse the decision immediately
feels ‘un-Romantic’. Indeed, the most Romantic thing to do may
just be to propose really suddenly, perhaps after only a few weeks – in a chapel in Vegas at 3am… The madness seems a paradoxical sign that the marriage itself will be a sensible idea. It won’t be. We don’t go to Schools of Love We don’t have any information. We don’t take classes, we don’t talk to married
couples and steer very clear of divorced ones. So we go into it without knowing why marriages
really fail – beyond what we take to be just the simple stupidity of all those other
couples we’re not like at all. Freezing happiness You want to make nice things permanent: you’re
in Venice, on the lagoon, with no responsibilities, the evening sun throwing gold flakes across
the sea, the prospect of dinner in a little fish restaurant and your beloved in a cashmere
jumper in your arms… You get married to make that feeling permanent. But it all goes and what is really permanent
is the partner – but now in a very different mood. You want to stop thinking about Love It’s such a pain: the heartache, the dating,
the one night stands… You want shot of it all. You marry to stop
having to think about love all the time. All of which is why you’ll marry the wrong
person – or perhaps have done so already. But it’s not really your fault. No one ever
teaches us how to do this thing, and so of course we crash. We will, as a species, eventually learn. The
careless madness can’t go on. Too many people get hurt. In a few centuries at least, we’ll be getting
the hang of it – for sure.

100 thoughts on “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person”

  1. Quality of any decision is based on the amount of knowledge. Generational family is the primary source of this knowledge. Successful marriage depends on that, including even the choice to have one. Most families are flimsy, ergo the conclusion of this video's headline.

  2. "It explains why we rejected all those candidates, the well-balanced, mature reliable ones, as somehow a bit 'boring' – and why we head instead with secret energy to those characters we unconsciously know will mess us up in such cosily familiar ways." – Oohh that's why she dumped me. I'm a "bit boring" and " well-balanced, mature". Ouch. )':

  3. "By 2100 people will wonder what took humanity so long" – Yeah I agree with this so much, too bad I probably won't be alive then

  4. If people just went into a relationship knowing that people aren't perfect, that everyone has their faults, and know that comfort and respect and loyalty should be as important as attraction, sex, and the "fun" aspects of life, and are willing to communicate, understand that arguments happen, etc… things might be better for people when it comes to dating. People grow and change. People have things they hold important in life. Stop listening to the world around you and just focus on the person you are dating. Relationships take time, hard work, and effort. You need to be there no matter whether it's a good or bad moment. Think about the person you like and get to know every aspect of them. You may or may not marry the wrong person, but there is a strong chance that the person who is perfect for you, may not be what you're into or looking for. This video points out some truths, but it's not 100% true. No one really gets relationships, because every relationship is different.

  5. This got me speechless… This video has some major Truth… Marriage takes work but it can be beautiful and it is rooted in commitment. The problem is people quit. There are people in this world who have someone that they seriously can't picture their life without but they can't commit.

  6. There’s no perfect person nor a perfect relationship. It’s up to you and to your partner on how to handle your relationships. Not all relationship well be failed there’s a lot married couple I know that they are happy with their decision.

  7. I agree with this reasoning. At the moment we are largely shooting in the dark. Some people think intuition is everything, but in reality emotions can be very misleading. I think I got together with my wife 10 years ago partly for the reasons in this video. Luckily, despite many ups and downs, we still have true love and affection. We don't have many common interests, but we try to accept that and get that from other relationships.

  8. I don't feel I married the wrong person at all 🤔 He is everything I never knew I wanted. I highly doubt I'll ever come to think of him as the wrong person. Maybe one day we'll go on loving each other the wrong way. But I will still know he is not the wrong person ^^

  9. Why not just end your life? I mean if you are 60 and you've ruined everything even marriage and you've felt heaven or freedom from body why not let go and face inevitable?

  10. I stumbled upon this video 2 years ago when I was depressed from having a cancelled wedding (5 weeks before the actual day). This video literally broke me into tears realizing how, had I gone forward, I too would marry for the wrong reasons. 2 years later, this video is still very very dear to my heart. In hindsight what happened was truly for the best and School of Life content has been instrumental in my monumental break up recovery! So I seriously can't thank you enough!!

  11. will marry the wrong person? not if i stay single i wont- u get a good job a nice place of ur own and a nice car then everyone around u strats talking shit-oh i think he's gonna get married soon then they start saying that shit to ur face- if then u droop this bomb-not gonna fucking happen-then my friend u just became a legend XD

  12. We all settled with someone whom we think could deal with our flaws and imperfections. After merrying the person, the problem is we can not tolerate imperfections and flaws of our partners.

  13. My first marriage was a two year disaster. My second has been a 34 year work of art. Physically, sexually, intellectually and most of all
    a sense of humor a mile long keeps us still loving and laughing. Nothing is perfect, but this is close.

  14. Listen u can't marry the perfect person but u can marry the right person. First and most importantly, to know if they are right for u, see how they treat others. If u are satisfied with what they say to others and treat them and u don't mind him or her treating u the same way, then that means u found ur right match. But if ur not going to look for the manners and just care about money, looks, position….. then for sure ur not going to get the right person for u. I know it's hard to find the right spouse for u but remember always search for the manners. No one is perfect but u can still find the right match for u.

  15. Easy fix : dont get married. You dont have to marry to stay together for the rest of your lives. Thats atleast what ive set out to do with my boyfriend. Besides (like they said in the vid. Marriage was about combining lands/wealth with another family) Now its purpose is…. well? Fleeting feelings? It has no real practical use anymore. Outdated concept imo.

    But please comment (if you like) But keep the language clean 🙂

  16. i'm gonna go ahead and speculate on reasons, without even watching the video, and i hope nobody minds.
    men: you'll marry the wrong person because, generally, you care more about the size and shape of a woman's fat shiny rear end than about what's in her head or her heart. this isn't entirely your fault – we're wired this way, and compelling genetic info about her compatibility with you in generating healthy offspring is encoded in how and where she deposits adipose tissue (as for WHY that is – why not her eyes, or hands? – i consider a mystery) – but the fact remains, sexual attraction is the worst possible basis on which to found a long-term relationship.
    women: besides an interest in a man's status and/or "resources" – like men's interest in women's bodies, this points to a role in procreation (men provide the wherewithal for women to devote themselves to conceiving, carrying, and nurturing the couple's children, then by his money/power helping them make their way in the world) – women are very much attracted to a man's fondness of himself. women, and some men too, will euphemize this fondness as "confidence", but it's no such thing. true confidence is an awareness of what's demanded in a situation, a proper evaluation of one's abilities, and a judgment that those abilities satisfy or exceed those demands – NOT an abiding attitude of "i'm %$#@%#$% awesome". but for whatever reason, women (perhaps partly because they themselves are beset with so many insecurities, and thus fascinated by those who have not even the slightest self-awareness) don't/can't make that distinction. it's quite humorous, if you've got the correct dark sense of humor, to see over and over again in life, girls shocked, shocked i tell you!, that the guy they thought was so wonderful turned out to be a complete %[email protected]#$.
    of course most men could have told her that ahead of time. which brings me to my conclusion. in civilized societies (defined not so much by the existence of smartphones or even clean water as by the absence of kardashians), women chose their daughters-in-law, men their sons-in-law. this is a good idea for two reasons. one, women and men can size-up their own, not their opposites. two, it's best for people (especially girls) to be married off in their teens. we're not supposed to say this, but lots of men aren't really interested in marrying – especially if it means having children with – women who've, ummm, made some mistakes (oops!). of course we'll never go back to that system, so the hilarity will continue..

  17. People who watch these kind of videos should bear in mind that he is only generalizing, he is not saying that this happens to every couple. But there are a lot of couples 50% more or less who end up divorced, not counting all those who dont divorce either because they can't due to economic reasons or because being tied to a toxic relationship. So…. this is true up to a certain point.

  18. the only thing worse than being alone is being with someone you dont want to be with. you will find someone worthy of you. never settle. its worth it.

  19. Secularized marriage is the most abusive scam ever.

    Under the current social and legal climate men are subverted chumps role playing in exchange for a little bit of female validation under disguise of traditional family values, until her entitlement driven drama gets bored and drags you to malicious rigged and dirty family courts.

    Good luck trying to prevent abusive and marginalizing decisions that will be made unilaterally, at any point, for any and no reason, by the irresponsible party.

    Men are tragically regarded disposable and expendable by women for sport.
    Divorce and fatherhood legalizes women to emotionally abuse and financially rape men.
    Women are encouraged and incentivized to selfishly and maliciously shatter their families.
    No wonder that western society is steeply declining.

  20. With simple logic. Half of people will be happy with their marriage, half of them won't with various reasons. Nothing new there. Truth is no one will lay with you in grave together.

  21. Ridiculous, emotions don't follow rules, you could love someone with all your heart for 60 years and still end up falling out of love. I believe it's the fear of dying alone that keeps most marriages together after a certain point. Once you're old, you know finding someone new and growing a deep bond would take more time than you might have, so you stay with that person.

  22. They all say they want to find the « right person » how come anybody says « I want to be the right person for Someone »

  23. People get married far too soon. The person you should marry is the person who's been there since the start and you've both seen each other at their worst and their best

  24. If you base your compatibility upon what Bra Size she wears (Large Bra Size= more compatible , Small Bra = Less compatible)…you will always marry the right woman .

  25. Can someone help me? I’m looking for one video from TSOL about how we make partners depend on us and kinda „put them in cage“. But I can’t find it anymore 😩 I remember a cage in the thumbnail 🤷🏼‍♀️ can anybody help?

  26. I swear I walked in on my wife drowning our pet Hamster in the bathroom. I went in to console her after a rough day at work. Caught in the act,she just said it was sick for days and unresponsive so she took him out. I just walked out, disgusted.After thinking about it for a while, I remembered all her pets growing up either died or went missing.I guess I was just another one of her pets.Im the one that got away.Barely.

  27. I´m over analytic, I´m A good person, I believe those two things might be the reason to never have had A relationship with real love to begin with.

  28. I think thats why insight is so important. As humans we tend to date/ marry people whose madness is familiar to us. A person that is unaweare will date with their trauma one way or another. Not because it’s love or because it’s fated but simly because the feeling of normality arround that situation.
    I think it takes very much maturity to take a step aside and be honest with oneself, so that we can recognize that pattern and give oneself the space to heal. Being single is not the worst thing that can happen. Being single if done right is awsome. Learn to love, adore and even spoil yourself. Being in a shitty or even mediocore relationship thats far worser. You have to give yourself what you expect from others only than you can have the luxury of finding it in someone else. Be open for the unexpected but take no sh** from no one, not even from yourself. Drama in life is not aways inevitable and we can learn from shitty situations but life is also not meant to be dull. In the end it’s up to you if you live out of fear or of love. And I can only advice you to enjoy the ride. Life is too long for resignation and to short for not feeling that joire de vivre. You may not always marry the person of your dreams but you can marry the person with whom life is better than a dream. That’s what you deserve and nothing less…

  29. Real relationship is shut compare to movie? I was so excited as kid I thought it would be like bit older as I got I just can't be bothered.

  30. There are more real problems than what we suffer from I think it’s best to focus real on problems rather than on relationships if it doesn’t work.. be the hope to others who suffer from real problems.. it’s okay to live alone if we have strong goals rather than selfish ones..

  31. i dont think its a bad thing to have a calculated rational decision about the partner you choose for a long lasting marriage. If you are going to marry someone if you are going to spend the next 30 years with someone, you need to choose something more than only for feeling. Feelings with the course of life disappear, all people need things like stability, safety, comunication, peace of mind, money. Why not choose someone who can help you with these things?

  32. All the people that say being single isn't horrible sound sad asf and just list excuses to make themselves feel better

  33. In my opinion the speaker is clearly being intentionally facetious and rhetorical. He is demonstrating a point. This is both a sympathetic philosophy and a wise one, which facetiously and gently points people in the right direction i.e. would you prefer to be single, get to know yourself, get to know someone else, don't be disheartened, learn from others.

  34. Wrong. You marry the wrong person who is not Godly. Lazy, full of excuses. Bad decision making. All signs of the wrong person.

  35. First and foremost, thanks for the video. I do, to some extent, understand where you're coming from, given the general nature of our sin/imperfection or whatever you want to call it, and our underlying emotional problems despite our claims to be emotionally stable (on the surface.) Would also like to point out we marry the wrong person for two more reasons: 1) We do so for the wrong reasons, that encompasses our perceptive selection and 2) I think you touched on it, but because of proximity as well.
    For the first reason, it's simple: Often times, even though we may not fully admit it because it can put a burden on how we think about ourselves and how others think about us, we want to marry someone who not only has a certain list of qualities but is also physically attractive. In fact, we may train our perception to filter out first those that are attractive and those that are not, and only then move on to the qualities a person has, when in reality, the process should be the reverse. As if we all had question mark bags around our head, hypothetically speaking and not adovacting it in real life, where we could not tell how the person looked at all, not just their face, talk to them, perhaps get to know them, and then when you decide who you wanted, at least it would limit your influence on marrying that person based on how physically attractive he or she was. If you chose otherwise, you may end up marrying a person thinking it was for the "right" reasons, when in reality that marriage might fall apart because you've just committed beauty is good fallacy. Also, people sometimes claim that they want a potential marriage mate to act and be like themselves, but on the contrary that person, unadmittely may have hoped for that person to act a certain way towards them, themsleves, even showing some level of favoritism ans opposition towards them at times. Thus there's some level of contradiction here, a sort of dissonace, so that sometimes, unfortunately, some people are only truly themselves after marriage, after they've "gotten what they want" so to speak and are in a sort of binding "contract" where that person will stay with them, knowing then it is finally safe to be who they truly are. That's also why you may see these alpha videos, or videos on how to get a girl or guys attention, which is sometimes a direct contradiction on who you actually are or want to be. Ironic how this is not as plausible with friends, but because sex and other factors are involved, we may choose to go this route.  If that disrepanceny continues then all the way up until marriage, then again there's a level of dissoance and tension about who you should be vs who you really are, that can still lead to contentment but not necessarily happiness within a marriage and hence you end up marrying the wrong person. Try to look at your initial motives for dating or even when talking to somone, accept differences between the ideal vs actual state, because in the end if you don't it may be infatuation than love and that can come back to bite you.

    We also marry the wrong person because it's essentially impossible to scan out everyone. Usually, our companion is someone who we went to school with, people we worked with, and even those we interacted on a smaller basis, but nevertheless were close in proximity, Let me put it another way. If you are currently in a relationship, claiming that she or he is the one, and I was able to offer you all the people in the world, or rather a large group to spend time and interact with, what are the chances that one person you are in a relationship with, is actually now, the One and Only? Because we are limited in time and space, we cannot do that, therefore there's a level of contentment and proximity within every relationship. That's not to say you can't truly love someone nor be happy, it's just hard for to believe that person is truly the one. Even if you end up finding another person you love more while being married can still be bad because there's no sense of commitment and settling down, otherwise the cycle of finding a "better" person will most likely always continue.

  36. I haven't seen the video (neither the comments) but… i think the answer is: BECAUSE NOBODY IS PERFECT.

  37. What if you marry someone who loves you and you love them, but you still think about that school mate that you fell in love with?

  38. hate to sound self righteous but there are so many trashy, ratchet girls out there nowadays. Almost like a lot of girls think its in style talk with a gross ghetto accent and have a nasty attitude.

  39. Being in a relationship is for people that like to argue. I don't like to argue . This is why I'm not interested in relationships or any dealings with the females. I know I'm imperfect. I don't need someone to remind me for the rest of my life.

  40. Relationships are overrated. Focus on yourself instead. Build your health, build your mind, acquire education, build your wealth. You will be way better off in the end. #Mgtow

  41. Instincts are good but not when you are getting married. 😅 If you go out in the morning with the feeling "that's going to be a good day" but you have been told that a storm is coming in the afternoon and you didn't take an umbrella, don't be mad when you got home soaking wet. I mean people tend to fall in love with ideas, they don't really care about that they should get to know the individual for real before they jump into a relationship. Communication is a key! Honest, deep conversations are good. But most of us are too afraid of the others judgement or the fact that the other can say something that could ruin our idea of him/her, however we shouldn't. And we are too afraid of rejection too, however it's not as bad as people think. It can be a relief sometimes.
    The other key to a successful relationship is self-knowledge. And most of us lack of it.


    Feminist icons (quotes) have not tried to hide their antipathy for the family unit:

    Gloria Steinem "A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."

    Gloria Steinem described marriage as “An arrangement for one and a half people.”

    Andrea Dworkin wrote, “How can anyone love someone who is less than a full person, unless love itself is domination per se?”

    Kate Millett wrote, “So long as every female, simply by virtue of her anatomy, is obliged, even forced, to be the sole or primary caretaker of childhood, she is prevented from being a free human being.”

    Betty Friedan wrote, “Women who ‘adjust’ as housewives, who grow up wanting to be ‘just a housewife,’ are in as much danger as the millions who walked to their own death in the concentration camps… they are suffering a slow death of mind and spirit.”

    Linda Gordon said, “The nuclear family must be destroyed… Whatever its ultimate meaning, the break-up of families now is an objectively revolutionary process.”

    Robin Morgan said “We can’t destroy the inequities between men and women until we destroy marriage.”

    Mary Jo Bane said, “In order to raise children with equality, we must take them away from families and communally raise them.”

    Vivian Gornick said, “Being a housewife is an illegitimate profession… The choice to serve and be protected and plan towards being a family maker is a choice that shouldn’t be. The heart of radical feminism is to change that.”

    Helen Sullinger said, “We must work to destroy [marriage]… The end of the institution of marriage is a necessary condition for the liberation of women. Therefore it is important for us to encourage women to leave their husbands and not to live individually with men… All of history must be rewritten in terms of oppression of women.”

  43. Many people get married because they want kids at the age of 30, they might get into a wrong relationship and cannot help it.

  44. Happiness should not be a goal. I want my partner because I want to play the game of life in co-op mode. I want someone I trust to work with to help each other accomplish our goals.

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