This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch


A few years ago, I got one of those spam emails. And it managed
to get through my spam filter. I’m not quite sure how,
but it turned up in my inbox, and it was from a guy
called Solomon Odonkoh. (Laughter) I know. (Laughter) It went like this: it said, “Hello James Veitch, I have an interesting business proposal
I want to share with you, Solomon.” Now, my hand was kind of hovering
on the delete button, right? I was looking at my phone.
I thought, I could just delete this. Or I could do what I think
we’ve all always wanted to do. (Laughter) And I said, “Solomon,
Your email intrigues me.” (Laughter) (Applause) And the game was afoot. He said, “Dear James Veitch,
We shall be shipping Gold to you.” (Laughter) “You will earn 10%
of any gold you distributes.” (Laughter) So I knew I was dealing
with a professional. (Laughter) I said, “How much is it worth?” He said, “We will start
with smaller quantity,” — I was like, aww — and then he said, “of 25 kgs. (Laughter) The worth should be about $2.5 million.” I said, “Solomon, if we’re
going to do it, let’s go big. (Applause) I can handle it.
How much gold do you have?” (Laughter) He said, “It is not a matter
of how much gold I have, what matters is
your capability of handling. We can start with 50 kgs
as trial shipment.” I said, “50 kgs? There’s no point doing this at all unless you’re shipping
at least a metric ton.” (Laughter) (Applause) He said, “What do you do for a living?” (Laughter) I said, “I’m a hedge fund
executive bank manager.” (Laughter) This isn’t the first time
I’ve shipped bullion, my friend, no no no. Then I started to panic. I was like, “Where are you based?” I don’t know about you, but I think if we’re going
via the postal service, it ought to be signed for. That’s a lot of gold.” He said, “It will not be easy
to convince my company to do larger quantity shipment.” I said, “Solomon, I’m completely
with you on this one. I’m putting together a visual for you
to take into the board meeting. Hold tight.” (Laughter) This is what I sent Solomon. (Laughter) (Applause) I don’t know if we have
any statisticians in the house, but there’s definitely something going on. (Laughter) I said, “Solomon, attached to this email
you’ll find a helpful chart. I’ve had one of my assistants
run the numbers. (Laughter) We’re ready for shipping
as much gold as possible.” There’s always a moment where they try
to tug your heartstrings, and this was it for Solomon. He said, “I will be so much happy
if the deal goes well, because I’m going to get
a very good commission as well.” And I said, “That’s amazing,
What are you going to spend your cut on?” And he said, “On RealEstate,
what about you?” I thought about it for a long time. And I said, “One word; Hummus.” (Laughter) “It’s going places. (Laughter) I was in Sainsbury’s the other day and there were like
30 different varieties. Also you can cut up carrots,
and you can dip them. Have you ever done that, Solomon?” (Laughter) He said, “I have to go bed now.” (Laughter) (Applause) “Till morrow. Have sweet dream.” I didn’t know what to say! I said, “Bonsoir
my golden nugget, bonsoir.” (Laughter) Guys, you have to understand,
this had been going for, like, weeks, albeit hitherto the greatest
weeks of my life, but I had to knock it on the head. It was getting a bit out of hand. Friends were saying, “James,
do you want to come for a drink?” I was like, “I can’t, I’m expecting
an email about some gold.” So I figured I had
to knock it on the head. I had to take it
to a ridiculous conclusion. So I concocted a plan. I said, “Solomon,
I’m concerned about security. When we email each other, we need to use a code.” And he agreed. (Laughter) I said, “Solomon, I spent all night
coming up with this code we need to use
in all further correspondence: Lawyer: Gummy Bear. Bank: Cream Egg. Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle.
Claim: Peanut M&Ms. Documents: Jelly Beans. Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard.” (Laughter) I knew these were all words
they use, right? I said, “Please call me Kitkat
in all further correspondence.” (Laughter) I didn’t hear back.
I thought, I’ve gone too far. I’ve gone too far.
So I had to backpedal a little. I said, “Solomon, Is the deal still on? KitKat.” (Laughter) Because you have to be consistent. Then I did get an email back from him. He said, “The Business is on
and I am trying to blah blah blah …” I said, “Dude, you have to use the code!” What followed is the greatest email
I’ve ever received. (Laughter) I’m not joking, this is what
turned up in my inbox. This was a good day. “The business is on. I am trying to raise the balance
for the Gummy Bear — (Laughter) so he can submit all the needed
Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans to the Creme Egg, for the Peanut M&Ms process to start. (Laughter) Send 1,500 pounds via a Giant Gummy Lizard.” (Applause) And that was so much fun, right, that it got me thinking: like, what would happen if I just spent
as much time as could replying to as many
scam emails as I could? And that’s what I’ve been doing for three years on your behalf. (Laughter) (Applause) Crazy stuff happens when you start
replying to scam emails. It’s really difficult, and I highly recommend we do it. I don’t think what I’m doing is mean. There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers. All I’m doing is wasting their time. And I think any time
they’re spending with me is time they’re not spending
scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings, right? And if you’re going to do this —
and I highly recommend you do — get yourself a pseudonymous email address. Don’t use your own email address. That’s what I was doing at the start
and it was a nightmare. I’d wake up in the morning
and have a thousand emails about penis enlargements, only one of which
was a legitimate response — (Laughter) to a medical question I had. But I’ll tell you what, though, guys, I’ll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day if you receive an email
that begins like this: (Laughter) “I AM WINNIE MANDELA, THE SECOND WIFE OF NELSON MANDELA
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN PRESIDENT.” I was like, oh! — that Winnie Mandela. (Laughter) I know so many. “I NEED TO TRANSFER 45 MILLION DOLLARS
OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND
NELSON MANDELA’S HEALTH CONDITION.” Let that sink in. She sent me this, which is hysterical. (Laughter) And this. And this looks fairly legitimate,
this is a letter of authorization. But to be honest, if there’s nothing
written on it, it’s just a shape! (Laughter) I said, “Winnie,
I’m really sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago, I’d describe his health condition
as fairly serious.” (Laughter) That’s the worst health condition
you can have, not being alive. She said, “KINDLY COMPLY
WITH MY BANKERS INSTRUCTIONS. ONE LOVE.” (Laughter) I said, “Of course. NO WOMAN, NO CRY.” (Laughter) (Applause) She said, “MY BANKER WILL NEED
TRANSFER OF 3000 DOLLARS. ONE LOVE.” (Laughter) I said, “no problemo. I SHOT THE SHERIFF.” [ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT THE DEPUTY) ] (Laughter) Thank you. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “This is what happens when you reply to spam email | James Veitch”

  1. So – he came up with a bunch of code words and the next e-mail he gets has almost all those words in the sentence? (Edit: I guess he could've anticipated what was going to be in the conversation).

  2. I never knew that a phone could be hacked without having physical access with it.I immediately paid him and got everything that my fiance had been hiding..he was having an affair with two other women. We had a long talk on phone and he agreed to help me. he does not work with people who are not ready pay for services upfront and he is 100% effective in catch your cheating spouse. Have fun finding out the truth!contact: cyberspyhacker2017ATgmail , phone: +1 409 344 5982

  3. Sometimes I get offended with the stereotype of Nigerian princes. A lot of the time the ‘Nigerian prince’ is not actually Nigerian. His name is not a joke and you sort of make it like that. Plus my dad is legit a Nigerian prince (not this guy tho)

  4. I saw a video of a scammer messing with a hacker, the hacker made a YT video of it and used a virtual computer to connect a host virus to the scammer deleting hundreds of the numbers and files they used for scams. Hahaha

  5. But I was sure that Nigerian prince in Nigeria wanted to give me millions of dollars for all my account information! You mean I've been LIED TO? People actually LIE?

    Oh, what a novel concept. eye roll

    419Eater has more stories like this if you're interested.

  6. I only get dumb 'phone calls. One of them, a HUGE voice said "This is a law enforcement unit AND YOUR NATIONAL INSURANCE NUMBER HAS BEEN SUSPENDED!" I've no idea where it was leading to but I jumped out of my skin. This bloke is much, much funnier than that.

  7. My grandma is German American. When telemarketers call, she yells “what do you want?” in German until they hang up.

    WAS WILLST DU? 🤣

  8. First, laughter is a good thing! Second, people who do the scams usually have no other economic alternatives, so third, it's cruel to ridicule a cripple, especially from a socially advantaged position. Personally I wish the roles were reversed, and this fellow had to be a black man in the Third World, with no job and no future. You could even say this "humor" is a form of Blackface & racial denigration. Laughing at the poor from a position of wealth and security is rather sick, and the audience reaction illustrates the typical TED Disconnect.

  9. the last time i've responded to such mail, the guy used one of my contacts name saying he was outside the country without any ressources to come back, so he needed money to be sent. From then: I was in an electric wheel chair at the 4th floor without elevator, he was a AAA same for drugs, my closest wester union was still upset because our (him an me) friend killed his dog, and he might become insane and burn the house if i come into his shop…. I forgot the rest… so much laugh. In the end he kind of understand the prank and didn't answer any longer.

  10. Funny… That guy Solomon is probably more famous than Michael Jackson cuz he spammed the world 🌎 including me 😂

  11. It can be fun replying to the fake bank manager of an impoverished nation promising to transfer 3 million dollars to your private bank account, but you must resist. Alas, they will not see the funny side and will instead send an avalanche of tasteless spam in your direction. Save your sarcasm for someone who cares.

  12. This guy basically stole this whole material from “cat fishing the KKK” by Joshua Johnson … No one else see the resemblance? Lol YouTube it

  13. Lawyer: Gummy Bear
    Bank: Cream Egg
    Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle
    Claim: Peanut M&Ms
    Documents: Jelly Beans
    Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard
    James: Kitkat

  14. Hej 👋 thanks for the mixed list, somebody read my mind, most I listen to before and LOVE, ❤️❤️❤️🌍🍓🍓🍓🍓🍓🙏

    .

  15. poor me once I am the victim for this type of scam…..after that, I saved a lot of others not to get into that trap

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