The Importance of Kissing


One of the constantly surprising aspects of
relationships is just how much reassurance we need to believe that we are actively wanted
– and, equally, how easy it is to forget this awkward fact both about ourselves and
the other person. The standard narrative of love tells us that insecurity about being
wanted is going to be at its height at the start of the dating period, when we are acutely
– and rather sweetly – conscious of the many ways in which our partner might not be
keen on taking things further. But, we assume, once a relationship has started, once there
might be children, a home and an established pattern of life, then surely the fear of being
unwanted should disappear. But far from it. The fear of being unwanted continues every day. There could always be new threats
to love’s integrity. Just because we were loved yesterday does not ensure a sense that
we will be needed today. More perniciously, if a fear is left to fester, it can lead us
to adopt a defensive position where, because we assume we are unwanted, we start to behave
in a cold and detached way, which encourages the partner to act likewise. Two people who
are, at heart, very well disposed towards one another can end up in a cycle of each
denying that they need the other, because they cautiously and pre-emptively assume that
the other person no longer wants them. In order to try to calm these fears and cycles
of unwarranted detachment, we should be sure to institute an apparently small but in fact
crucial ritual into our lives: a morning and evening kiss. Every morning, before parting,
no matter how much in a rush we both are, we should give one another a proper kiss on
the lips, for at least seven seconds which is – in reality – a very strangely long
time. Lean in close together, don’t think about the many things you have to do in the
hours ahead. Simply concentrate on the sensation of their mouth on yours, feel your nose against
their skin. Don’t break off abruptly at the end: keep looking at each other for another
few moments and give a smile. The same should be repeated every evening at the point of
return. When we kiss we are tapping into a central channel of emotional connection. Intimate
physical contact affects us in a way that’s both distinct from, and in many ways superior
to, words or ideas. We are sensuous creatures to at least the same degree as we are rational
ones: a smile or a caress can therefore reassure us far more deeply than can an eloquent phrase
or a well-articulated fact (‘of course I love you…’). As babies we were soothed
by touch long before we could understand language, and we therefore continue to need physical
contact to believe, truly to believe, that we have a place in another’s life. Normally
a kiss follows from a tender feeling: we have an emotion first and then we express it. But
there’s another way our minds can work, a way in which a feeling follows from an action.
The morning and evening kiss should hence come first, independently of whether or not
there is as yet a tender emotion. But then, almost for certain, if we go through with
the kiss, the emotion will occur (it’s very hard to kiss and feel nothing). We may need
to make that rather odd-sounding move in love: a small effort. The morning and evening kiss
should be a ritual. A central feature of rituals is that we do them whether we feel like doing
them or not. The kiss should take place even if you’ve just had a rather sarcastic argument
or if you are racing to an important early meeting – or if you are feeling resentful.
Better feelings will follow from it. When leaving the house and heading to the station, we should
no longer only ask whether we have remembered the keys or the report. We should always ask
ourselves if we have done a far more crucial and love-sustaining thing: exchanged a seven
second kiss. Our Relationships Reboot Cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.

100 thoughts on “The Importance of Kissing”

  1. Do you regularly kiss your partner? How else do you maintain a strong long term relationship? Let us know in the comments below and to join your fellow School of Life audience members, be sure to download our new free app:  https://bit.ly/2VysjqM

  2. Holding hands while looking at her with a smile and twinkly eyes, gives everything your relationship needs to last longer. This moment always ends up with either a sweet kiss or a warming hug. u dont need a youtube video to teach u that.

  3. Hmmm
    Thanks for reminding me to close my lips 7 seconds every morning that way I'm kissing and loving myself 😏👌🏼

  4. Or…and maybe you can hear me out on this…ankyloglossia?
    I've mentioned this to partners and they think its an excuse not to be make out. I LITERALLY can't stick my tongue in your mouth. Sorry? 💁

  5. You know, i somehow never thought of it this way. Like, I realised physical affection matters in a relationship but I never thought of using it to defuse tension. Sometimes I get in a head space where I see my partner as my enemy in arguments, and no matter how right I may be, that's not constructive or healthy. It's hardest to be close in those moments.

  6. German translation fail in the title! „Die Bedeutung des Kissens“ = the meaning of the pillow
    So I expected interesting facts about pillows, but was so disappointed!!!

  7. Question (for @School of Life): This all makes perfect sense… but any reason why (specifically) 7 seconds… and not some other amount that is less or more??

    Thanks for a response/answer. Cheers!

  8. Hey, The school of life, your German title is wrong. As is it translates "the meaning of pillow"

    Correctly it would be "Die Bedeutung des Küssens"

  9. Gay and biracial couple animation on general informative video. I didn't know that this channel belong to SJW, I though this channel is political neutral.

  10. My ex was the type that always give a split second kiss. Even if i gently pull her to kiss longer, she'll give a cat given a kiss reaction.

  11. So… should I assume that I’m not the only one who hasn’t been kissed yet and somehow is still watching this video?

  12. Now I know why viruses spread so fast…everyone be touching mouth holes on the reg. Quick, let's touch our lips and tongues every time we see each other to ensure the proper spread of all viruses.

  13. Yes, a kiss, like an electric shock, while soft like a pillow,
    A couple on the dock,
    Or squirrels under the Willow

    Wtf did I just write?!
    NVM scroll away and ignore

  14. you’ve never been kissed? okay
    once you’ve been kissed and become used to making out you’ll miss it like crazy when it’s gone
    and somehow that’s worse than never being kissed

  15. I thought this comment section will be filled by mushy, in love people who has been enlightened to a new, profound commitment in ther stable relationship…but all I found are sad people with no people to kiss, lol. Get out and look for partners, you beautiful pepple. 🙂

  16. Dafuq kinda bullshit PopPsych theory is this? People can kiss you back without truly wanting you, hence the problem. Ppl fuck out of self indulgence and dopamine activation more often that offering pleasure to another. Give it a rest

  17. Kissing sometimes makes me extremely uncomfortable though, even though I love my partner very much… touching in general can trigger this, but kissing and sex even moreso

  18. Hey #SchoolOfLife , can you do a video about the complete absence of love and affection (in a romantic way) in one's life?

  19. So I recently just had my first kiss turned making out and I think I caught feelings but idk about him and I don’t want to be annoying but I really need clearance

  20. 28 years of experience, and i have never kissed someone (i was born with microtia, i was stared as if i was some sort of "monstrosity"), i am aware that is somehow pathetic and "weird", but i devoted myself emotionally to my parents (now deceased) i loved a person deeply but we have incompatible sexual and emotional orientations, and i do not want to pour love in people that love to use people just for sex/money/power e.t.c. my advice to anyone, just enjoy life as it comes!

    la importancia de besar? of course i am a spanish native speaker and i get it but youtube keeps messing around.

    why i do this to myself? hahahahaha

  21. Why the heck is YouTube translating the Title of the Video into my origin Language… I really hate it because everytime it doing it horrible wrong. If i hve to translate it back into English then it will be translated as "the meaning of pillows". What the heck is this!?

  22. I find some girls to be so super-straight. I wonder what if these girls would ever like kissing at all. I fear if my wife-to-be didn't like kissing. I'll suffocate if that happened. 😢

  23. I love kissing!! As long as the other person feels the same ❤ nothing worse than kissing someone that dont know how to 😔 that would be a deal breaker for me lol

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