The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With

Break-ups are almost invariably difficult,
but that isn’t to say there aren’t different degrees of complexity at stake in different
constellations. Nor does it preclude the existence of a cataclysmically painful but too-little
known type whom we can call the hardest person in the world to break up with.
A relationship with them begins like this: you’re very drawn to them. Perhaps they
very much attract you physically and their personality is compelling as well. You admire
them and, in areas, feel a lot of sympathy for them too; there’s probably something
in their past which really interests and touches you. You have no desire to break up, and in
fact, you’d love this to last till the end. For their part, they seem to be keen on you.
That’s what they’ve said on a number of occasions. They show no interest in leaving
you. They want this to be for the long-term, perhaps forever.
And yet there is a problem, a problem so grave and yet so hidden, so damaging and yet so
hard to grasp, that you can only bear slowly to face up to it. You start to realise that
the partner whom you love and who says they love you is having a grievously detrimental
effect on your mental or physical well-being. What wrong might the partner be perpetrating?
It is a spectrum. At one end, they might be hitting you. But the spectrum is long and
it contains all sorts of far more insidious ways in which, without ever raising a hand,
let alone a finger, one human can badly damage another. They might be having affairs, or
spending too much money. They might be addicted to something. Or, and this is properly hard
to get a grip on, they may be constantly ‘absent‘. They show no reliable warmth towards you,
they never initiate any touch, they may never hug. They are present but not really there.
Probably, as soon as these problems first arose, you started to complain. But you did
so softly, or sarcastically or bitterly. Not head on. After all, you love them and you’re
a good boy or girl. It can take a long time, years, decades, before you finally dare to
find your voice and come to a place of being able to raise an adult objection. What then
happens when you at last ask these types to face up to the harm you feel they are doing
to you? There are two main responses, both of them are appallingly hard to master, the
second is the very hardest. (i) They Confess it
Fed up at last, you tell them that you’ve had enough of the violence, affairs, addiction,
financial spend, distance, lack of intimacy, lack of sex… You raise an ultimatum. If
they don’t finally raise their game, you’re going to be leaving (even though, of course,
it’s the last thing you really want; you love them!). You may be shaking and flushed
after you have spoken. You’re feeling you might be crazy (surely it’s crazy to threaten
to leave someone you love who says they love you!). You’d expected all sorts of dark
responses on their part – but something that is on the surface rather lovely now happens.
They admit it! They confess! They say, my goodness you’re right, I hadn’t really
fully realised until now, until you made me finally open my eyes to how I’ve harmed
you. Baby, I hear you! Baby, I’m so sorry! The person promises that they will now change.
They just need a bit of time, they just need your understanding. They suggest getting themselves
a therapist, once a month or so. And then they’ll get on top of their issues. Their
ready candour is deeply moving – and suggests they really have a handle on their psyches.
You are, in any case, desperate to believe them, they have a very willing audience indeed.
The problem is that, despite their promises, the person doesn’t change at all. They make
a short term adjustment, strong enough to ensure you won’t leave them on the time-scale
you were threatening, but not profound enough to correct the problem – and allow you your
freedom. And in the gap between their promise to change and your realisation that they haven’t
got the ability (or perhaps intention) to do so, children may have been born (they wanted
kids to keep you around; you wanted them as a token of the happy future that was being
promised). Commitments pile up, and there are fewer options left in the world beyond.
You might not be so young any more. (ii) They Deny it
However hideous all the above sounds, there is an even worse kind of relationship to leave
than that. This is one with the same dynamics but with one extra twist at the end. When
you finally confront them with the problem, they don’t confess: they deny it! They tell
you you’re dreaming: you’re imagining it, not remotely, the problem lies with you,
they say. At the same time, they get very incensed and offended at the suggestion you’re
making: you’re so cynical about me, don’t you trust me?! How rude you are about me!
Why don’t you have more faith in me and in us? And they push back: you’re just as
neurotic as you say I am. The problem is with you and not me… This is mine-field territory.
Relationships and their interactions are generally not filmed. So it’s very hard for you to
back up your claims or even be sure of your verdicts, when they are relentlessly challenged:
is the loved one spending too much money; or am I just nagging? Are they actually flirting;
or am I just jealous? Are they failing to initiate sex; or am I just insecure? The partner
whom you love and really don’t want to leave and who says they love you adds to the difficulty
you face by enthusiastically telling you, with authority, that you really are a bit
crazy, that you are seeing things, that you are too demanding, that there’s something
wrong with you… Probably, you’re an open minded, nice, intelligent person – and open-minded,
nice, intelligent people tend to give others the benefit of the doubt. After all, such
types know they aren’t perfect, they’re aware of everything they get wrong, they don’t
feel they’re brilliant in every way. Therefore, perhaps it’s quite plausible that here too,
you may be seeing things that aren’t there. Why insist, especially when you love your
partner and want to be with them? Here is a nice person telling you you are a bit mad
and imagining things? It’s a dispiriting message, but if disregarding your impulses
(and your emotional needs) is the price you pay for keeping a relationship aloft, maybe
it’s worth it. Maybe it’s worth thinking of yourself as a bit insane. At least you’ll
still have a partner. So, more time passes, and you stay put – and in that time, probably
there are more children, more entanglements, and less of life left for you to build on
afterwards. There is also highly likely to be a destruction of your sense of reality.
You will probably start to feel as mad as you’re being subtly told you are. You might
have a breakdown – which isn’t an ideal backdrop against which to leave anyone.
All that said, in both of the above cases, eventually, you will have to leave. Your long-term
mental well-being depends on it. But it isn’t a picnic, having to leave someone you love;
who says they love you – and who is either falsely promising to change or denying they
need to change because you’re the defective one to begin with.
You will feel extremely alone with this decision. You will be left to wrestle either with feelings
that you are nasty (for leaving someone who is promising again and again to change) or
that you are mad (for leaving someone who tells you you’re demented to doubt their
sincerity). You will have to destroy a relationship that might have children in it on the basis
of nothing more firm than an inner sense that your partner is doing something seriously
deficient to your wellbeing and cannot stop themselves doing it – despite telling you
they love you. And yet you will have to leave. In order to
leave, you will need to think in your mind: I am in love with someone who is damaged.
They cannot realistically change and may even be using me as a reason not to change. Or
they are in denial and are abusing my credulity and self-doubt not to look more honestly into
themselves. And you will have to think: there is probably something in my past, a history
of putting up with intolerable situations, which makes me a long-term sucker for this
sort of suffering. Mountain climbers know that certain peaks
cannot be climbed on one’s own. You need a climbing buddy, and in this context, let’s
call them a psychotherapist or a very very good friend, the sort who can put in the time
to reassure you of your sanity and who can be there for you at the inevitable moments
when you feel like you’re making the worst choice in the world even though, despite your
self-hating feelings that you’re impatient or getting everything wrong, you are in fact
in the process of taking the very best decision of your life. Deciding whether to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the trickiest and consequential decisions we can face. Our Stay or Leave card game can help us towards an answer. Click now to learn more.

100 thoughts on “The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With”

  1. I'm kind of the bad guy right now I'm not in a relationship but im talkin to my ex-girlfriend and I am kind of into her but I broke up with her because I had crippling anxiety in stomach problems about a year and a half into the relationship and it wouldn't go away so I had to leave. Now I'm talking to her a little bit again and we had a great time but the next morning I woke up the cramps and slight anxiety came back I don't know what's wrong with me the relationship wasn't even bad and now I might hurt her again because of my stupid brain that just won't stop feeling that way.

  2. I sometimes wonder why there aren't any videos about relationships from the perspectives of those who are the damaged ones THEMSELVES. This one is about the necessity of leaving a person who is manipulating you promising that they will change. But on the other hand, what goes through ones head when they promise their loved one that they will change, but they cannot? In some cases, it certainly looks like it's a classic example of manipulation. But sometimes, they don't lie about their desire to change. They simply fail to actually change however hard they try. And I believe this feels horrible. When your loved one tells you that you're lacking effort in the relationship and you clearly want to change the very thing creating the problem, you immediately promise that you'll do it, but you sometimes fail. And what should you do then? What should you do when you promised so many times but still failed to satisfy your partner in the end? Should you let them go despite the fact that you love them and they love you? Or should you try harder to change?

  3. I think both of us ever be that person. For couple years our relationship become toxic to each other. The guilt and blame game. The insecurities. And both fall out of love in different times. I did on 5th years of marriage. He did on 8th years of marriage, he still did on 11 years of marriage. But we're both human. Human makes mistakes and repeat it couple of times. And marriage is a commitment. Love is chemistry. You got love by eating chocolate. We just stop pointing fingers and focus on introspection. We surround ourselves with good environment (family, friends, cell group). As soon as both of us aware of our own contribution to the problem then healing is begin. Both become stronger and also calmer. Learn new things about your partner. And then fall in love for the second time. And grow old together. Kids or no kids.

  4. Dear The School of Life. You've made plenty of video's on why and how you should leave someone.

    could you also make a video on why or when you should stay with someone?

  5. Honestly some of these hit me close at home but it's not completely accurate, nevertheless it helps me self reflect, and of course helps me acknowledge I'm quite a bad person and that I need to change.

  6. After being subscribed to this channel for yrs. ..This is the very first time i thought the images & msg depicted did more damage than good.

  7. Hmmm….ok i gotta say to my self: Move Oooooon from toxic person who never apprecaited you, cheated on you, didn't make you as priority, he didn't deserve you because he's just useless person who never thinking about your feeling😣

  8. Children are no excuse for staying. You do them more damage that will hinder them in later years. Vicious cycle.

  9. What if you're the lion from the video? Now that's shes broken up with me and I can look back and see all the damage I did through hurtful words and actions how do I change? I'm broken 😥😥

  10. Ive just had a breakup with someone i still love deeply, but i had to leave. He isnt malice, but he has a problem with responsibility and consequences. We all make mistakes, but he always makes the kinds of mistakes that could have easily have been avoided if he only used his head. Hes like a child and i know he loves me, but he just cant change yet. His failure of repsonsibility begins with small things (like his mum still opening his letters and reading his bank stuff (hes 23)) and ends with big ones (the final straw was him booking a partx vacation with his boys when we had a pause out of spite and then when i was willing to work on it all, he, like a 5 year old, did not have the guts to tell me for 4 months and told me 4 days before the trip and ruining my exams). I know im not perfect. And i believe he is sorry. But i know he may not do this one exact thing afain (booking behind my back or passing out drunk when we had plans), but he doesnt understand the root of the problem. There will always be another instance until he grows up. It just hurts so bad because in daily life, we had a great time and i could always laugh with him and it was really nice.

  11. Why was the eye going weird when he was talking about being insane hahaha 6:15 the comments section is so deep

  12. Okay! I am the person he is talking about! The second kind that accuses back now I need advice on how to not do it. Because its embedded deep inside! I am not even aware that I am doing it when I am doing it though I realize later and then deny it.

  13. When you wanna leave a relationship and you have this kind of person and you have kids. Can we get more in-depth about the kids and the separated parents in those roles?

  14. Is there any possibility for you to make a video about this abusive “lion”? Like, how to stop abusing people if you understand what I mean? How to turn the lion into a loving and protecting person

  15. Sometimes we feel like we should be “better” or “more mature” of what we are and therefore we don’t act like we would like to in the name of a relationship we don’t want to give up on.
    But, what’s the limit to which we can stretch our own maturity and ability to properly read a situation, without forcing our growth to a point where we’re not even ourselves anymore?

  16. I was once the lion of a relationship (not that I was abusive).I realised and ended the relationship myself despite being happy but it was better for her I'm sure.

  17. I just hope this person let me go and stop bringing up the past… i left him, i just hope he will understand my choice.. but he doesnt..

  18. Me… with my past relationship… he admitted… then denied. And said when i finally decided to file divorce, he wished to have more childrwn with me then i will not decide to breakup.

  19. The character depicted as the lion can be doing this unintentionally as a result of significant personal issues they are going through. It doesn't always mean they are evil and manipulative as you portrayed them.

  20. Disgusting how you used a lion to reflect this as the male behavior. As someone who's been in an abusive relationship with a mentally unstable female, this is a disgrace to watch.
    You should be ashamed

  21. Sometimes they change after you leave…in an attempt to win you back. Just saying. I did not hear this included.

  22. What if the other person is giving you no reason to give them the affection they want so desperately? Meaning they respect nothing about you but want the best parts of you, even though they do nothing for you emotionally.

  23. I thought I was gonna be able to find something to make me feel better in this video, but I just noticed that I'm the lion, which in this case is the problem.

  24. And you would have to think that there might be something in the past, a history of putting up with intolerable situations that makes you a sucker of this kind of suffering

  25. I’ve been in this situation various time and I think the scariest thing is how self aware I am when I’m alone but I know this can happen again even though I know all the signs.

  26. I love me.. But me is an asshole. I spend time with me, but me never has time for the REAL me. When me started hitting me, I forgave me. When me left me alone, I wanted me right next to me more than anything. When me broke me nose in front of me son, me told him that me was just playing… It was an accident. When me started drinking more, me said it was because me had a bad day at work. When me moved to the other bedroom, me said that they just needed some space. When me talks and yells at me like a child, me closes the door to listening. When me said me wanted a divorce, me said me would change. Me doesn't understand how much I love me. How much I want me to touch me, hold me, tell me that me is special, that me looks good today, and that I need me in me life.
    Me built a life with me. And now me is watching it burn to the ground. And their is no one I can blame, except me.

  27. Hey this was my last relationship with my ex. It has in deed effected my life. I have broken down mentally been in the hospital in a year 6 or more times. Wanting to die becoming homeless from this woman. Losing almost everything I had. She would go on porn thee whole time with me. Then tell me it was her. Later she went on porn showing her whole body face and everything. She brings her two and four year old girls with her to perform these acts. Also in her last film you can hear her child playing in the background in the end of her porn video on pornhub. I am now and have been for awhile seeking help from mental health experts.

  28. You live in a fantasy world if you think that puppy love and the beginning of a relationship ever lasts your entire life, that love is transformed in to more of a mutual understanding type of love

  29. Yeah I dated two narcissist I experienced both the acceptance and denial. It doesn't feel good and still messes with my head.

  30. Oh god, I just broke up with my girlfriend for this very reason, I am feeling very stressed out because I felt like I broke her heart, that I might have thought too quickly, but I was feeling heartbroken for a bit now, her friend texted me and started being rude to me, please help

  31. Stop acting like you know everything. The way you structure these videos makes everything you say seem like factual statements and dumb ass kids like me eat up those statements at face value.

  32. I have to admit, I was this man. I was a borderline and I hated myself I took it out on the girl I loved mentally and emotionally. I never had pride in myself and revolved my happiness around her, I lied to her made her seem crazy and worst of all told her I was gonna change and that I’m doing all these things to change and didn’t. This is a disease fellas and it can be cured but you need to take time to think about it in your own. Meditate and find your inner self change for you not for her and love her if you get another chance because she offers something positive to the table don’t let power consume you. I got another chance with her. But I actually destroyed the disease inside me that is narcissism and made the good loving boyfriend I knew I was inside a part of me it’s as if I freed the inner me out of a cage and killed the evil me.

    The hardest fights to win are the fights with yourself but I believe in anyone looking to change for the better of all

  33. I loved someone very much, that was a narcissist. Promised me to change, he did for one or two days, then went to how we was. Luckily it was “just” one year and a half, wish it never happened, but I can’t change the past and I have to take a positive note on it… I know now how to recognize a narcissist and I know my worth.

  34. I think if you both just stop listening to the snake God and like maybe listen to your own internal voice, we'll call it morality or conscience or whatever then I think everything will probably turn out okay.

  35. Oh my goodness….I'm looking at my first failed marriage. Just got divorced. Its explained in such a way I never could! I wish my family could hear this!!!

  36. I was dealing with a person that was exactly as they described in the video. Everything was always my fault even when he did the worst things possible. He was my first love, and i left him. It was really hard but now i realise how much better i am off without him. Blessed day everyone❤️

  37. 25 years…. Incredible at first… the usual passions of a new relationship, and the brilliance and connectedness lead to cohabitation, that within weeks, soured all the positive. She became needy, yet demanding in every way. I was told I was the one solely responsible for her well-being on all levels.

    I was convinced I loved her, and complied… supporting us both on the meager income of a working musician. I will credit her for showing me the ropes of conducting business, but in the end, it benefitted her.

    I'd had enough after 3 years. We agreed that living apart would be best. I was labeled the evil one, but the relationship continued.

    I moved her from place to place. I watched her establish and destroy relationships of convenience repeatedly. I repaired her car and took her on vacations and outings she planned, where she maintained a constant sour mood in spite of being where she fantasized being. I struggled in vain to raise her spirits. Eventually, this sour persona became permanent…

    Sex turned into tragedy, she crying, weeping after every session… I just stopped the intimacy because it sucked the joy from the act… yet, the relationship continued, her still claiming I was responsible for her well-being.

    Her words cut to the bone. I lived in fear of her punishing diatribes…

    I moved her hundreds of miles away to what she expected to be her cultural paradise. I watched as she kept complaining about how those around her didn't service her "brilliance" and worship her knowledge and skill. She began tapping me for money, while she did nothing to improve her situation, everything around her was substandard by her perceptions… she wanted to be serviced, worshipped, and was not willing to do the work to earn any level of respect… I lost the job that was the source of income I could share to support her. She was now "broke" and had to move.

    I moved her one more time, hundreds of miles to room with a close college friend of hers from decades past. As usual, she didn't lift a finger, spent all day on the computer or in front of a TV, not pursuing work but as usual, promising the world, demanding respect…. and this relationship was destroyed too.

    I got the call to move her again, and this time, I refused… I really had to endure the caustic slings and arrows… surprised that once (just once), she said she'd do anything to keep me… then she took it back and continued with the verbal abuse.

    Amazingly, she had the money to pay a crew to move her, rent a truck and driver… I've no doubts where that cash came from…

    Yet, it was hard to let go… but my mental health was at stake, and I had to move on. She was an emotional and financial ball and chain for me, that provided her with the drama she needed to feel a sense of power and control… and I was that object and provider.

    As has been said, "one door closes, another opens." I closed the door. Coincidences arose. I friend left a mate of 18 years who demanded control of her. I helped her move… and we hung out as just friends, we being joyful of the release from being controlled, told what to do, and how to do it.

    I'm with this gal now, whom I was not physically attracted, but, we are best friends, share many things in common… and remarkably, she is generous, always kind… is not afraid to show her adoration for me, and I for her… pinch me…

    After the former slow-motion train wreck, I feel I've been rewarded for the sacrifices I endured. This present relationship now is so close to perfect.

    It's easy, and we both work hard to maintain it. Our mutual respect for each other keeps being earned as it grows and grows. We invest in a common loving emotional bank account… it's been 8 years… we're both artists, craftsman, and have the Katherine Hepburn relationship… "Live nearby, visit often."

    Thank you for the opportunity to vent. I am going through my life's accumulation, and am finding remnants of that former tragic relationship, and yes, there were positives, the eventually became insignificant… but it was good to reminisce.

    If you are in such a relationship and can relate to this video, and my story, BAIL. You will be fine… and you will find the real you you were before… and you can start anew, more powerful, clear headed, and with a new resolve to be able to say "no," with conviction, stick to your guns.

    IMO, a true loving partner can handle a no, and move on without conniving protests.


  38. That was a brilliant description of how it really feels, I cried so hard, I’ve never heard or listened anything describing my breakup with all these details

  39. These kind of toxic lovely people do never reflect, they are just selfish, narcissist and incapable to love anybody but themselves: nor their wives, mothers, husbands neither their sons, nobody. They are egomaniacs totally incapable to empathy and unconditional love.

  40. The problem often in certain circumstances is its both display characteristics of both sides. Its not always clear cut like this and rarely is the person a monster as the depicts. I think relationship terms and explanations and buzz words can and are very detrimental in current culture when not looked at objectively and realize broken or imperfect does not make someone a monster or not loving but in almost all it is both people but in the ones where there is one sided true abuse this is insightful and relevant. Be humble understanding and objective..i wish each and everyone of you good health and a prosperous enriching love.

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