Teaching Children about Narcissist Without Bashing!!!



hey beautiful drivers out there this is Michelle with from surviving to thriving and I say beautiful drivers because I completely mean it I have met some of the most amazing people that have been victims of narcissistic abuse they are beautiful talented intelligent spiritual people that really really are quite amazing so I say that from the bottom of my heart now today's video has to do with helping our children to see the narcissist their narcissistic parent for who they are without bashing them and without seeming like the bad guy and this is sprung from this video it's from from a comment that I read the other day on my youtube channel and it's from Danielle Danielle hello you are she's one of the ones that won the journal but last month's giveaway I hope you're enjoying it I hope you're using it and I read your comment and I'm going to read it now and reply to it by means of this video so she wrote yes I also agree with you about educating your child about the nars behaviors I have been I have been having such a hard time taking advice from people saying that I shouldn't bash their father it's such a confusing thing I want them to see that he is not normal my daughter defends him all the time and I have to point out to her that he is not normal she says he feels like we do deep down and has real love and feelings it's so hard to talk to her about these things it's driving me nuts I look like the jerk when I tell her that no he doesn't have the same feelings we do he doesn't know how to love like we do it hurts her to hear this about him I hate this is a mom supposed to keep her mouth shut and just let her kids think that he is doing what is best for her and that he is a loving person when clearly he is not I took one of our twins to counsel and the counselor was very upset when my twin daughter said that she thinks that her dad is a narcissist she looked at me with the evil eye I'm sure she wrote something very negative about me after that session this was back when I was still in shock of learning what I have been dealing with I realized now that I shouldn't have put a label on him but I've been so hurt and confused I've never been through this and I it has and I have been driven messed by this man for 23 years I am so tired of trying to explain to my twin daughter about her father and that she just wants to keep offend offending him this is a nightmare so I really when I read this comment I really felt the need to respond with this video because so many of us have children with a narcissist and are going through the same thing so I want to give some advice of some things that worked with me some things that didn't work and hopefully you can pick and choose and find whatever resonates with you whatever you feel might be helpful and hopefully it won't make this situation as difficult as it is one of the first things that I learned about trying to expose the narcissist and I'm not talking about to my children I'm talking about to the world in general to our friends to the our acquaintances to our family members was the more I pointed the finger the more they defended him the more an offensive approach I took to expose him the more defensive people were and the reason is because of the way the narcissist talked about me he did not talk about me the same way he talked about me and I have done many videos about this it's a very manipulative form of getting people to have sympathy for you they'll say something like I don't understand why she's so angry with me I really just want the best for her so then when the person comes up to you and they're talking about the situation and you express a you're actually helping his cause they say oh wow he said something about her being angry I can see it he's the one that's right he's the one s talking truth and everything you say is lost even though it's truth okay so that was one of the things I learned when trying to expose the narcissist to others that you needed to talk kind of the way the narcissist does like you know in a caring way well you know I'm really glad that he he's doing so well where he lives I just kind of wish he he cared a little bit about the kids at least enough to send a little bit of child support or maybe ask if they needed anything that would make me so happy but I really am glad he's doing great something like that that's that's the way to expose in a way that doesn't sound like an attack and doesn't put people on the defense well guess what that's how we have to do with our kids too the more we try to make our children view their own father in that negative light the more they defend him as you're finding out with one of your twins also remember that you have two children at least I don't know if you have more but when there are two children both children have been treated differently by the narcissist one has been no doubt the scapegoat and the other one has been the golden child so it's possible that the one that is defending him has always been treated better so her experience with her father is not the same as your experience with him or even her sister's experience with him so the key to helping our children is knowing and knowing them recognizing how they have been affected and then it's allowing them to reach the conclusion by themselves we can't force somebody to recognize somebody as a narcissist and the more we try the more a fires on us the more drained we feel the more awful we feel so your job our job as a parent isn't so much to have convinced our children of the father's a narcissist as much as it is to heal the wounds that they've been through to teach them things like unconditional love forgiveness humility empathy qualities that the narcissist does not teach discipline things like that and also the ability to recognize unhealthy behavior helping a child to identify that that should be the main goal and little by little as you're teaching these things you can expose the narcissist without your child feeling like you're attacking them and I'm going to give you a few ways of how I was able to do that with my children and hopefully it can kind of give you some ideas of what you can do in your personal situation okay so first of all how I speak about the fair father to my daughter is very different than how I speak about my father their father to my son the reason being is my son was the golden child my son was treated very well or at least better and didn't have the same experiences nor the same amount of time with his dad that my daughter did so their experiences are different so I can't treat and talk to them in the same way because one will get it in one will not so for example with my daughter my daughter had an event a few months ago and you've probably seen Dino you've watched my videos so you've probably seen when I spoke about that how she invited her father to this event his first response was no then for the next three months he refused to confirm he/she what she was saying okay dad well are we going to spend a weekend with you in a hotel are we going to spend any time together and it was this huge confusion of yes-no yes-no the day he of the event she thought he was flying in and flying out right after all up until 10 o'clock the night before when he says okay so I'm coming tomorrow and I want you to spend four days with me in someone's house who you do not know and I'm not going to tell you who but you just have to trust me and bla bla bla that's what happened okay but now let me tell you how I handled it when she first told me she wanted to invite him my insides were like oh my god please don't invite him he's only going to do something to hurt you let you down or make you miserable and as a parent we want to guard our children and we want to keep them safe from any kind of pains but that kind of logic is like a parent that holds their infant in diapers that is at the age of two walk and refuses to put the child down because they don't want that child to get any bumps and bruises and fall down but falling down was part of learning now of course you want to make sure the falls are in catastrophic but it was a kind of learning process for their child so as parents with co-parenting with a narcissist there are certain things that I feel some may disagree that we have to allow our children to see for themselves now in my mind I knew he was going to keep her on guard for them all of the months beforehand keep her guessing I knew he was going to disregard her time and think that I'm just going to fly in at the last minute and change her whole plan and she now has to accommodate him I knew exactly what was going to happen and I could have told her but I did it all I said was you know your father you know that sometimes he's not reliable and you know that sometimes he doesn't know how to respect a person's time and he'll expect you to drop everything just because he should up just keep that in mind she assured me no mom I have my and I'm going to stick to my plan I don't even know what's going on I have no idea if he's coming or not that's it sure enough at the last minute was stressful for her she hated it but she stuck to her guns she spent five minutes with him he drew he drove down all the way from New York she spent five minutes with him only because who called that 10 o'clock at night saying I'm going to spend time with you and I'm not telling you where I'm taking you and you're going to trust me after not see she hadn't seen him in a year and a half he had done nothing to build that relationship up and so instead of me telling her no I allowed her to make that decision now my daughter's 15 years old so there's a big difference between her and my son and my son is the golden child okay so here are some examples that I do with my son to help him to expose things and sometimes it's just a matter of pointing out good behavior for example my son really loves his stepfather and respect him as a good man in fact he told me that if Jim dies he doesn't ever want me to remarry because there's no one as good as Jim that's how respectful and and loving my son looks towards his stepfather so when my stuff his stepfather does something I and my son says well you know I like that Jim does the set the other thing I tell him you that's the kind of man you can grow up to be that's the kind of husband you can be as well and that gets his my thinking and he starts he'll say something like the dad wasn't like that and I'll instead of bashing his father I'll say well you can use your father the bad examples that you saw as a good example of what not to do you can use it hit his example as a good example of what kind of husband you don't want to be and sometimes they'll ask me questions especially my son because kids forget that's the scary part kids forget and if you don't allow them to reach their own conclusions when they get older and they meet their narcissistic parent and they're charmed by this person they can then start to view you as the enemy who kept them away from this other amazing parent and I've seen cases like that I'm in contact with women who are going through that so the only way to do that the only way to avoid that is to allow the children to see for themselves for example in your comment Daniela you said is a mother supposed to keep her mouth shut unless her kids think he's doing what is best for her the daughter and that he is a loving person when clearly he is not well you have to think what are things that he's doing that are not loving and kind and those are the things you need to focus on showing for example my son said to me dad wants to talk to me he wants to have he wants a test amount of time he just doesn't want to talk on your phone as if my phone is possessed I don't know is it bug attack I don't know that was just a thing he refused to talk to his children on my phone so trust me I am a normal imperfect human being tons of things went through my brain that I could have said and wanted to say but I just said okay so he wants I'm so glad he wants to talk to you and have a relationship with you he was oh he wants a special phone just that you guys can use and my son was like yeah I heard that what he feels more private I said okay well let him know if he sends one I'll make sure that you are in your hands and you are the only one that has it so just let him know that so my son let him know and then I thing I know is I'm being told oh no he what he won't send me a phone unless I live with him so you have to buy the phone again thousands of things whether my brain to say and I just but you have to catch yourself you have to remember you have to keep in mind what's the best for your children going off on the bag is it talking about how offer he is that's not what's going to help your kid but pointing out bad behavior or pointing out discrepancies in words and actions will teach your children immensely so I said okay so he wants to talk to you but he doesn't want to send you a phone and my son's like no he wants you to do that and I said well I I I'm not in a financial position to provide a phone just for you and your dad I have a phone you're very welcome to have it my son's right now he's 11 at this time he was eight there's no way I was going to buy my my son of phone I said age especially just to talk to father who wasn't in child support I said to my son don't you think it's logical that if you really want to talk to somebody you won't care whose phone it is and the most important thing should be having the desire to talk to somebody and and then just doing it regardless at this point is what you think that's what's most important my son said yeah I don't know why dad's like that and I said well let him know that you will always be willing to talk to him in a private place if he wants to call you will always be available to talk so he did and my ex never called on the phone so instead of me telling my son what an irresponsible exploitive uncaring selfish person he is my son was seeing it and he also had the example of i husband now who goes out of his way not to over spoil because that's not healthy either but to treat the children was loving kind of by his actions by the time he takes the other day my my son was practicing guitar was my husband and he says you know I haven't some mankind and he came up to me after and he says you know dad never spent time with me he never did that now I could have bashed him at that moment instead I said well now you know how to be a good father you thought you know how much it hurts to have a father that didn't spend time with you now use that as an example for it not to do now you can when you become a father you spend time with your son and he walks away feeling good but he learned a lesson and there's no defense offense there's no attacking so in your case find the areas where your ex is not fulfilling or showing love and if he is if he's being loving at the moment this is the other thing there are times that my son will talk on the phone to their father to his father he'll get off the phone and be like he sounds so sweet he sounds so nice and at that moment I could say well just remember he's not but I don't I ask them did you have a nice conversation and he says yes did you enjoy it yes I'm very happy that you were able to have that nice conversation with him that is so important because that's going to get your children to trust you they're not going to feel like they're in the beat in the middle of two people being pulled apart they're also going to trust your judgement because you're going to be pointing things out in a loving caring calm way without attacking that is so important so find a way let's say she's I don't know the age of your twins but let's say he allows her to do something go out all night with friends and party and get drunk let's just say I'm just giving this as an example and she comes all that so great you know he loves me so much he lets me do this gotten the other thing well you need to reason is is that really love what if there was a car accident now calmly not attacking calmly asking what if one of your friends drove you home drunk and you've got into car accident and you became a quadriplegic would you view that as love then allow her to sink get her to say how would you want to treat your daughter would you have been happy if your daughter did that you could say something like I know you might think I'm just maybe more strict than your father it's because I worry and I want to make sure that you're okay I want to make sure that you grow to be a responsible adult or whatever the situation is if he if she needs something and let's say that financial responsibility falls on him as well instead of saying well your father never does anything and I'm you buying it for her say well you know what right at the moment I can't ask your dad if he can do it because it I know you guys have a good relationship now I'm really happy about that so hopefully he'll be able to help you with that let him expose his own true colors and there's going to be time she's going to get hurt by him that's how she's going to learn how he really is not by your words also remember how they see life is not through your eyes and if he abused you okay you don't have to put that burden on the children you don't have to tell them about that because that's really a really heavy burden for a child to understand and see so be careful with that sometimes we might have the tendency to share things with our kids but it might be really overwhelming for them so allow him to expose himself as a narcissist to her on his own because trust me he will if you stop trying to point the finger you see the more you point that there's a more defense that she is the more she holds on to him the more he's the loving kind person but the more you becomes a loving kind person the one with the head on their shoulders the one that can point things out in a calm way the more unbalanced he'll become and he will be exposed now I recognize I see you've been with this person for 23 years I was with mine for 15 and I know how much of a mess I was afterwards and how the healing journey is a journey that takes time so I recognized that it's easier said than done but I've been there okay yes less time than you but 15 years is a significant amount of time so I know how hard it is I know how kids can trigger you and I know that some things that they say can set you off because it reminds you of of how he was with you etc but try to remember exposing them the way that I explained it will get you further than just trying to convince them to see him through your eyes you have to help them to see the narcissist edges through their own eyes through their own experience this requires you knowing your children because each child is different like I said how I speak to my daughter about him is very different about how I speak to my my son with my daughter I can use the term narcissism and I can talk about different traits about narcissism in fact I told my daughter when made a list of a couple recently as a couple of traits that a narcissist does but I noticed she was doing for example one of them is how the rude way that they don't like to say hello to somebody when they walk in the room just flat-out like like I'm too important to even notice your existence we talked about how what would make somebody do that how that feels how that is a trait how I asked her this did your father do that when we came home did he ever say hi did he ever say hello to me no it was like analyst corner of my eye this almost like this evil glare I said how can we make sure that we don't develop that every time your stepdad comes home go off it give them a hug and a kiss if you want to get over this if you want to stop I said the first few times that you do it it's going to be so uncomfortable because you're not used to it the more you do it it will become a part of your personality and that's something she's working on in the current moment because that was one of the qualities and traits that I still see that she's battling and she's working on it because she does not want to be what her father was so she's using her father as an example of everything she does not want to be and sometimes we have to break it down but what did dad do that you that hurt your feelings what was this okay well how can we make sure that we're not doing that and indicating it since we were with him for so long and I tell her flat out there are things that I have to look at myself sometimes because I sometimes act in a certain way because of how of all those years I was with him I have to kind of reject myself and make sure I'm still being me and not imitating when I lived for a long time and there's nothing wrong with that it's okay so that's how I talk with her but my son is very different so know your children know how to reach their heart continue to get stronger yourself that is the most the healthier emotion you get the more in a better position you are to help your kids I hope I kind of went around and around as I usually do I apologize for that but I hope this video helps in your comment in no way am I trying to point out that comment as a bad comment and it's just I know what that's like I've been there and I'm trying to help you so if there's anything I said it was only with the intention to try to help anything that doesn't resonate with you disregard anything that can can help you please apply because it could work and make your life a little bit easier and help bring you and your daughter close together and closer together and not have that breach there because that's what he wants he wants he'll tell her your mother just wants to put us against each put you against me that's why she always you know that's her whole goal I don't do that I don't want to be you know put any breeches against anybody and while he does but he says he doesn't but she hears that he doesn't but then she goes to you and she hears if she hears you saying anything negative it only solidifies his side of the story so don't do anything that's going to solidify his side of the story your side of the story is correct it is truth but the way we portray it is highly highly important and I hope this video helped you can see that in some way

28 thoughts on “Teaching Children about Narcissist Without Bashing!!!”

  1. Different ages. I thought over 18 and smart to hearing the reality and professionals indicating then that this child abuse began the day they were born and continues into their 20's. I really tried many ways including learn what a bad example can be learning for what they won't do….

    No matter as nothing worked here with so much brain twisting having gone on. Abuse growing my only option was for their own safety which saw Dad needing to step back and go No Contact.

    My 25 years is my past, their lives are what they will need to figure out. This is my one and only regret which is for MY children's sakes.

  2. Love this video so much. Your beautiful spirit is so helpful in such a tough time. Everything you say resonates with me and is so helpful! Thank you!

  3. I have finally come to grip with the truth about my son mom and thanks for the info but I've never spoken bad about her to him and now i have information and i can explain you she does some the thing she does to him while he with her thank you so much

  4. My f n sis totally sweep my say under the rug….. try to tear some sense out of that? Since she was 14. I am the mother.

  5. (4:11) THIS! The narcissist in my life is my mother in law and she has told my husband and myself this exact statement! Just a complete lack of insight and personal responsibility into what she’s done.

  6. Hi Michele,
    Do you think it would be a good idea to have the child or children seek a child psychologist to teach them how to deal with a narcissist parent as well?

  7. I have experience sharing my daughter with her narcissist mother. The narcissists have the upper hand because they have no scruples. They will let their child do whatever or have whatever as long as they win their heart. Children cannot discern very well ans they will gravitate toward the one that gives them what they want. For example: I will restrict certain movies or certain friends because my intention is to shield my child from bad influence. My ex would do the opposite, and I believe for the purpose of getting my daughter to reject me. It worked. Although I never bad mouth my ex to my daughter, and took her to places that would develope her in a productive way, she was not appreciative because her mind was being warped by lawless living. Once she experience what I would consider forbidden, anything that would be wholesome was boring. The narcissist mother corrupted my daughter. My daughter is now 31, married and divorced twice, body full of tattoos, and now living with another man. After she left her second husband, she came to me acting like she learned her lesson. I helped her with rent and her children. She stayed with me for about 1 1/2 yrs, then when she found a man that she could shack up with, she totally ditch being the type of person she thought I wanted her to be. Now I have zero contact with her because she transformed into another person to get a different supply. It is at this point I delved into what narcissistic behavior is. I've come to the sad conclusion that my ex has transferred her narcissism onto my daughter, and all signs show my grandchildren will be infected as well. This is the harsh reality of getting involved with a narcissist. It effects you for the rest of your life in a very troubling way.

  8. Even if the child sees this for themselves is it a guarantee that the child will not become a narcissist or have those tendencies….what if the narcissist in your life is your child…

  9. My ex is a narcissist and very abusive. He was recently beating his ex. He was cheating on her beating her infront of the kids. She never called the cops to report it. They broke up and he was telling her to go hurt herself and threatening to kick her front door in. I called cps because of the abuse infront of the kids and to the kids. He talks bad about me to my son and does not work with me on anything. I recently decided to have out drop off and pick up at the police station but he refuses says I will lie and have him arrested. Cps qont do anything because there was never a police report to prove there was abuse, also I tried to get a probono lawyer but they will not take my case because cps never filed a report. I'm so lost on what to do and I feel so helpless, I want my son to be safe and hes not hes 7. Theres alot of mental abuse going on toward my son and brainwashing. I feel so helpless and like i cannot protect my son. He now has a new girlfriend who is 10yrs younger then him and the grooming process has already began.

  10. Teach kids that there are toxic evil people in the real world, to have healthy boundaries. But not all this narcissism stuff. It is way too negative and traumatic for a maliable kids and even most adults to process this. Kids and normal people should not have this negitive black pill out look on life.

  11. I think I may have revealed what I still feel was my impossible position and after the separation became the worst mind control/abuse of my kids. To parent well and protect My kids ment walk away or she was going to screw their minds even more. Hard yes but I love my kids as I have all these years but the mental health investigators were thorough and sadly right. My job now is to wait patiently (Ha!!) And pray as they have their own children they may learn to see the light.

  12. Thank you for all you do. These are helping me get focused every morning before facing the uncertainty that comes every day as a parent of a 4 yo daughter with a malignant covert. I am beginning the divorce process and accumulating records. What a scary world but I am reassured that there are genuine souls left here and God has a purpose for all of us survivors. We are here to defend innocence and truth and light. The pain we feel is real and raw and when we escape from it our spirits will be unleashed. They want what they will never have from us. We deserve to be loved to be free. Praying for us all each day 🤟

  13. Both of my parents are Narcissist and my mother sides with him all the time and also
    She has always defended him my whole life

  14. Every video I watch it always puts down narcs. I myself end up with them but they are still human. Not devils. Dealing with trauma. But without them the pure ones/empaths wouldn’t be created.. but I can understand how people see them as evil. I myself made my guy the bad guy in my play/ reality.. But I should had just walked away. But thank you for this video. I really needed this. Sending all my love to the souls In Healing ❤️

  15. Thank you my sweet sister! 🙌🙌🙌🙌

    I had to let my children see how my father Lucifer-Satan's that possessed my husband just how much he didn't Care about them and love them.

  16. In my case it’s my brother who’s an extreme narc with addiction and I want to protect my children. Fortunately he lives 3500 miles away. But I know if I talk about him honestly with extended family I’ll draw the short stick. With my kids I’ve labeled the issues, narcissism and addiction.

  17. I’ve been married 14 yrs together for 18. It’s been toxic from about 3 yrs in. Back and forth and I can admit I myself have been selfish and manipulative. I’ve even questioned if I myself am on the narcissist spectrum. Either way I’m able to recognize my behavior but since I began learning about emotional abuse there have been red flags from day one with my spouse I just never saw or didn’t know what to do with. I want to be healthy emotionally and mentally. For myself and our children. I have finally accepted our toxicity and that the first step is distance. Thank you for your channel. It’s brought so much clarity.

  18. If someone have to leave kids with Narcissistic parent,in that case how to teach children to handle the situation.p make a video.l have to do that because of financial condition.so what should l do.p help.my daughter's age ten and twealve.

  19. Michelle, you’re amazing, wise and brave. Thank you for the advice! It’s reduced my anxiety in dealing with my abuser who’s also the father of my child

  20. The was used that on me too… Thank God he lives out state. There's nothing wrong with Skype and facetime. The judge says we have to agree. He won't agree with chiropractic care, I won't agree with a phone. My son is 13 and the thing is, he gets it and doesn't care. Since he was 4 ive been helping him deal with the dad. He figured it out without me ever having to bad mouth the dad. That just works against you in the long run.

  21. How do you deal with an ex covert narcissist who's playing super fun dad? A disney dad.
    My kids are only 5. He's the favorite parent of course. I have all the responsibility he's fun dad 4 days a month.

  22. I have recently come to the eye opening realization that my mother is a narcissist… I’ve decided to go no contact with her. I have 7 children which the older 5 really don’t like her or talk to her anyways. But I was wondering how I was going to explain to all of them of why we don’t see her anymore. So this video is great!!!
    I just feel horrible that I won’t see my sister. She’s 16 and has downs syndrome:(

  23. I have to go thru the narc to see my kids. It has the kids(long story). How do I deal with the narc to see and be with my kids? It was a "friend" that stole them. I need help to deal with her & be able to see my kids. She has lied & brainwashed my kids to the point that they believe her in all the lies. They are so sad & bewildered. Thank you for any advice.

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