TEACHER ROASTS EVERYONE IN HILARIOUS COMMENCEMENT SPEECH



[Applause] [Applause] students faculty admin parents district personnel I've never seen before that make 8 times more than me first off please excuse me for reading this speech I had to handwrite it I sat down to type it but my district computer has Windows 98 on it and couldn't handle the text file and of course the printer was jammed because my co-workers hate productivity so I wrote it out anyways to the admin I enjoyed your subjective evaluations random drop-in and faculty meetings that were less effective than a shot back on the Titanic I will never forget your attempt at a fortnight dance during an assembly in an effort to appeal to the children it both embarrassed us and educated us on the warning signs of a seizure I do appreciate your support reducing my class size down to a manageable 35 students although adding a class and taking away my planning was ideal at least it did make an extra $500 a month to cover my new psychiatric expenses to the parents I enjoyed all the time I had for self-reflection while I waited for you to show up to a parent-teacher conference that you never attended I understand that work sometimes can keep you late but just know that your child ratted you out as they always do the matinees showing of in-game is not a job your condescending emails would have brought me several sleepless nights had I not observed your dozens of typos and a return email of creep and cutie at hotmail.com do the students I love you I'm sorry I read that wrong I love Lysol can you wash your pants also when I haven't you a paper for your parents to sign and you bring it back to me an hour later unless your father is Marty McFly it's still forgery on a sidenote before graduation I added all your pencils you guys borrow that and never return to your obligations list and each of you now owe me three hundred and seventy nine dollars before you get your diploma today to the fellow teachers I hope one day the state realizes your true worth and gives you that pay raise you deserve mainly so you'll stop asking me if I want to buy your essential oils as you leave this auditorium today I want you to reflect on life I want you to look forward to the future and please please do me a favor and pick up your trash because I have a second job as a janitor here and would like to get home at a reasonable hour stranger things is out which ironically enough students the upside-down world is the only way in which your 69 will ever become a 96 overnight class of 2019 what I'm trying to say is reach for the stars go out and make a career for yourself and whatever you do if it pays more than $40,000 a year please I army [Applause]

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