Taming Reality – Instant Life Lessons: Ep. 10

are you unhappy with your reality here's the good news everything you know might be fake but here's the bad news you can't trust anyone or anything not even your own eyes you can only trust me me me me me me ow can I get a goddamn lozenge here instant life lessons with dr. Dewey Pfister today's lesson taming reality hello I'm dr. Joey Pfister what is really real what is really really real how do I know if my housewife is even real such questions can be very confusing and overwhelming even don't you think so son oh no you don't wonder if we are trapped in a cybernetic virtual construct controlled by evil artificially intelligent computers what that mean I wouldn't be stuck in this thing know one of the keys to defining your own existence is to quantify your perception of reality but how do you determine if something is real or not don't worry it's easy step one visual observation you've lived a long fruitful satisfying life right except what if you didn't what if you're a little Portuguese girl and this is just her dreams are your trusty fake teeth even real to get to the bottom of these and other important questions you're going to need to observe everything and everyone around you whoopsie sorry ol fella you weren't real after all I little girl let me catch you up on what's going on you're living what you hope will be a long fruitful satisfying life right step 2 systematic evaluation protocol okay you've observed everything around you that's great luckily there are a few simple questions that determine what does it does not actually exist what's your first test subject a bucket what a ridiculous choice but let's test it anyway the first question is can it be licked but not stabbed yes question 2 does it smell like burnt licorice and hand soap if you're not sure the answer is yes this question may sound a little weird but it makes sense if you think about it would you want to marry it if it were famous and finally this one's obvious does it know your name negatory that is a no 3 out of 4 the answers were positive I'm afraid that means your thing is not real I repeat not real step 3 eat turtle categorization keep evaluating things until you find something that is real great now you've got a real cactus on your hands now simply place the appropriate ontological sticker on the officially real item I like to use a sticker of a cow's face I strongly recommend you do the same now all you have to do is test absolutely everything and everyone I suggest you start with yourself whoopsie oh well here we go again you've lived a long fruitful satisfying life right as you can see I've just determined that my son is real and so is this goat but this vase is not strangely enough my left testicle Israel but my right one is not sticker on the left I sure hope this shark isn't real and now you know how to check son fun times oh god this has been instant life lessons with dr. Dewey Fister click subscribe for more life lessons instantly sidenote by my own observation the realness of our entire reality is not even really real but actually a computer construct inside the dream of an autistic boy imagined by ancient alien gods who are part of yet another computer simulation which is really just a passing thought of a sentient dog fart trapped inside a bottle floating on an ocean of tapioca pudding the tapioca pudding is me

24 thoughts on “Taming Reality – Instant Life Lessons: Ep. 10”

  1. Fuck it this all stupid cats are awesome so are guinea pigs Caloz are good for milk I am just saying random stuff the post a comment right now there's some reason I okay the first thing is just about the field second thing is I have no clue why am I doing this thing I could I'm bout make it stop okay what is is doing the split a cab tomorrow Veraneo across the walls this is not the right lazy to do

  2. Sometimes, I wonder if places I've been to are actually real while I'm not there to see it, especially places I visit. When I hear someone talk about such a place or see something I know was brought from there, I often pay close attention to it because it's probably evidence that that place exists. 
    Late at night, I sometimes imagine these places as they are at that moment – dark, cold, quiet and deserted.
    It gives me a strange feeling to imagine I'm there. I've had a few very weird dreams inspired by these thoughts and feelings, both eerie and intriguing. I love it. The more unusual the better. I find even my nightmares interesting.

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