Sex Advice from a Middle School English Teacher – Rachel Mac – Lights Out with David Spade

Hey, guys. It’s, uh, time
for some stand-up. I saw this next comic.
I thought she was very funny. I asked her
to come do a tight five for us. Please welcome Rachel Mac. (cheering and applause) Hello. I am Rachel Mac. I lost my virginity
when I was 25, and after it happened,
I was like, “Hmm, could have waited longer.” (laughter) It was fine. Not mind-blowing. And I still made mistakes
as a 25-year-old grown woman. I had a man over
to my apartment once, and I said,
“Would you like a drink?” And he said, “Negatron.” (laughter) And I still (bleeped) him. What? (laughter and applause) After he (bleeped), he said, “If you ever got prego,
would you get an aborty?” And I was like,
“I’m gonna get one tonight.” You know? Just in case. (laughter) I am a middle school
English teacher. -(cheering and applause)
-Obviously, I guess. Thank you. Uh, a seventh grader
once called me a (bleep) Ms. Frizzle. (laughter) And that does check out, so… (laughter) What are you gonna do? I teach in Beverly Hills,
so the kids are all rich, but I do still like them. Most of them. But last year,
I had this eighth grader. Let’s call him… Cooper Driers. (laughter) ‘Cause that’s his name. And… And Cooper plagiarized his “morality
in To Kill a Mockingbird” essay. Yeah. If you use
the word “incandescent,” I’m gonna figure it out. And so I had to call up his mom,
and I was like, “Hey, Mrs. Driers.
Cooper plagiarized. I have to give him an ‘F’
on this assignment.” And she was like,
“Oh, no, no, no. “Cooper doesn’t understand
what plagiarism is. You can’t punish him for that.” And I was like,
“Mrs. Driers, whether or not “Cooper understands
what plagiarism is, “he plagiarized, it’s cheating, “and if you want him to succeed
at this school, you’re gonna have to give me
$2,000.” (laughter) -(cheering and applause)
-Thank you. And I paid off my car. Hello. Uh, we also had drama
in seventh grade. One day I had
this beautiful lesson prepared on topic sentences– fun– but right before class started, I got an e-mail
from Rebecca’s mom. And it was like, “Hey, Ms. M. “Uh, just FYI, Rebecca had
her bat mitzvah this weekend. “And all
of your students attended, “and all of your male students
went into the bathroom together, jacked themselves off
and then (bleep) everywhere.” (laughter) Well, number one,
that is insane. Uh, number two, what am I supposed to do
about it? (laughter) I’m the English teacher. I wasn’t even invited
to this bat mitzvah, and I look Jewish
as (bleep), so… (laughter and applause) Thank you. So, it hurt, but I’m a professional, so I will handle it. So I was like, “Okay, kids,
no topic sentences today.” I put all the girls
in the hallway, and I sat all the boys down. And Trevor, he was like,
“Uh, Ms. M, you look disappointed.” And I was like,
“Well, yeah, Trevor, I am disappointed.” And he’s like,
“Well, you shouldn’t be, “’cause it was just a game. And my juice went the furthest.” And I was like… I was like, “Trevor, “it is ‘farthest’! Have I taught you nothing?!” They’re so dumb! (groans)
Um… I hope you guys like that joke, because, uh, it is the joke that got me fired last year. Thank you. It’s crazy that
a grammar joke got me fired, ’cause it’s actually one
of the more innocent things I’ve ever said about teaching
onstage. And so, for you guys,
I have composed a list of things I have said about teaching
that did not get me fired. Are we ready? -(cheering and applause)
-Okay. All right. I once talked
about a kid who got boners during Of Mice and Men
and how I thought he should get bullied for that. Didn’t get fired. I-I once talked
about how a kid’s dog died, but her family owned
a private jet, so I didn’t care. I once talked about how I found
this eighth grader-grader named Harrison
unbelievably attractive. But, ultimately,
out of my league. Don’t worry. He’s too hot. Oh, yeah. And I once, uh,
talked about how this group of seventh grade boys
asked me what consent was. And I said, “Oh, consent.
That’s when you make sure “a woman wants to have sex
with you before you have sex “and then you make sure
that she (bleep). “And if she doesn’t (bleep),
that’s not consent and you will go to prison
for it.” (cheering and applause) Thank you. ♪ ♪ Thank you! Great job. Rachel Mac, everybody.

100 thoughts on “Sex Advice from a Middle School English Teacher – Rachel Mac – Lights Out with David Spade”

  1. Lost your virginity at 25?! ME TOO haha more common than you think maybe?! Who has TIME for relationships in high school or college?! School and jobs often force couples to split up as they have to move away from their hometowns and each other…

  2. I'm glad she got fired she just wasted 5 minutes of my time with bathroom humor that was humorous but not funny. It isn't necessary to be gross to get a laugh.

  3. If no one is brave enough to say it then I guess like Thanos "I'll do it myself"

    This was funnier then Amy Schumer's speech whole special

  4. the joke about bullying a kid and the joke about Harrison went too far- if she meant those at all, she shouldn't be allowed to work with kids.

  5. Dear Spade, don't try and hug your guests, unless they are large men.
    P.S. Worked with Spade on "Rules",…creeeeeeeepy.

  6. I used to work at bhusd and let me tell you rich kids/families are a whole DIFFERENT kind of species of people. I left but my god I hated them.

  7. I just watched a ninja fucking eviscerate this unworthy audience with a letter opener and a limp wrist. That's how good she is. Now I'm glad she keeps popping up in my recommendations.

  8. Well that could have been an episode of Jimmy Kimmel's "This week in unnecessary censorship". Annoying when you have to concentrate on working out what she said before you can understand the joke.

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