Scholastic Book Fairs


Hey, what’s up? You kids wanna buy some Captain Underpants and some fuzzy notebooks and cheat codes and some spy stuff? The Scholastic book fair had so much wonderful, amazing, but random dog shit It should have been called the Scholastic Wonderful Amazing But Random Dog Shit Fair.” And Scholastic may have called it a “book fair” to get past the FBI, but let’s be real brother, no one gave a shit about your books. If I wanted to read some literature, I’d ask one of my seven older siblings to throw Pride and Prejudice at my buttcheeks. Mr. Darcy. No, Mr. Bingley. It was about all the other crap – the mad libs, the pointer fingers, the cheat codes… The highly sought after giant Guinness Book of World Records that no one could afford. There were the I Spies and the SPY Gadgets and what the fuck was up with all the spy shit? Spy gadgets, Spy Kids, Harriet the fucking spy, spy notebooks with secret spy compartments, An invisible spy ink to write spy stuff. Even if you didn’t get an actual book fair at your school, I bet you still got those catalogs that you could take home and circle what you want and then pester your mom until she finally uttered those six magical words and then she writes you a check to take back to school also known as ‘Book Orders’ and weeks later it would feel like a mini Christmas at school when those plastic sacks finally arrived on your desk and you’d grab that sack and you’d open it up and you’d put your face in it *inhale* and then if you breathe too hard you’d probably get a decent high off of all the scented markers in there, But anytime scholastic decided to start dealing drugs at the school again there are always three main things that caught my eye- obviously the spy gadgets because I have trash brain, The Mad Libs, and… the video games. Why yes, you heard me correctly- Scholastic, the thing you associate with school and kids that really don’t want to share their Oreos, Scholastic and, just balance, had fucking video games. Now, it’s worth mentioning that the Bethesda Lutheran School, the same studio that’s bringing you the upcoming Fallout 76 was in a very small town in South Dakota. So, naturally, I didn’t really have anywhere to buy video games but Scholastic taught me two very valuable lessons that my trashy brain hadn’t realized at -up, -up until that point. Sentence much? Hah. Lesson number one: Yeah, maybe I couldn’t go to where the video games were, but Scholastic could bring the video games to where I was – At school! Lesson number two: That there were video games for PC! Yeah, up until this point, I didn’t really realize that any game other than WCW vs. nWo: World Tour for the N64 even existed, so… Fucking sue me, I dare you I have spy gadgets. This means (they) long before the days of Steam and Battlenet and fucking Uplay – Jakey, Don’t even bother putting up a PNG of Uplay ’cause Uplay is the worst Jakey 2: No dude, Uplay is the fucking worst. Jakey 1: Okay, thank you. Yeah, Uplay is the fucking worst, I’m happy we can agree on something. I was introduced to PC gaming by none other than the Scholastic friggin’ Book Fair. And the two games I got were Lego Island and Croc 2- and one of these games was really good, and the other one was Croc 2. Now, both of these games ran like absolute garbage on my Mom’s computer cause obviously she didn’t have a 1080 Ti in her generic off-white desktop made by a company that I’m pretty sure was just called ‘Computer’ but that’s not the point. The point is that Scholastic put me on a collision course that got me into PC gaming and culminated with me using my high school graduation money to build my first computer. The point is that I used that computer to play PC games in my free time after I dropped out of college. The point is that my love for PC gaming plus a lot of free time plus trash brain equaled me making a video about Grand Theft Auto 5 and Metal Gear Solid 5 having sex with each other. And it’s not a very good video, don’t go watch it, but… Look at me now. This channel recently passed 500k subscribers, which is bonker Billie’s, and it got – apparently got me reflecting a lot about why I love gaming and PC gaming. I don’t know why I have like a mad tone when I’m talking about this. Um, but apparently that led me to the Scholastic Book Fair and me wishing I still had all my spy gadgets so maybe I could hack a mainframe or two. I would honestly probably start with one and then if I felt comfortable, interesting concept, maybe move on to another one I don’t know. The Scholastic Book Fair may not be remembered for its intended purpose or namesake, but then again, what do you expect when the hottest item at the “book fair” is a scented bendy pencil wrapped around a book that no one could afford. Which brings me to my closing argument. It’s not really an argument- it’s more of a statement but I am extremely pleased to announce that I will be performing the very first online Twitter Book Fair. There will be a tweet listing all of the items at my Book Fair including but not limited to a Guinness Book of World Records, some bendy pencils, some scented markers, a Captain Underpants, a Mad Libs, a cheat code book, a fuzzy notebook, some Oreos that you are allowed to share, Croc 2 for PC, probably an I Spy or some other spy shit- I don’t really know all you have to do is reply to the tweet with the item that you want and then I will select at random who gets what and then I’ll DM those people to complete their book orders. My name is Swamp-Nuts and this is bye for now *WHEEZE* See ya. Hit it, Paul.

100 thoughts on “Scholastic Book Fairs”

  1. If you ended up buying one of the Guiness books or one of the Ripleys books you all of sudden became the most popular kid in class.

  2. I remember wanting the cheat book and then realizing I could just write down the codes, I felt like I was committing some huge crime and was scared that someone would see me

  3. i know this video was uploaded 5ever ago but I'm still not over the meta af part where video jakey and editor jakey talked about how much uplay sucks butt

  4. I got a Captain America: The First Avenger poster at my book fair in like 2011
    2 fun facts about that poster.
    1. I am 19 and still have it even though we moved since I got it.
    2. My mom was kinda mad that I got it because it wasn't a book, but I was just a boy who wanted that poster of Chris Evans looking really edgy while holding his shield.

  5. One time I got a marvel comic at one of these, my mom made me return it cause the last pages had demons and I'm still pissed

  6. I used to steal those stripped smelly erasers and then buy a 50 cent bookmark lol. Then I would force my mom to buy me those 30 dollar spy lock book then 2 days latter I would lose the key. Next I would force her to buy me a guide to a video and never read it. The one book I remember that actually helped witch was a inventions book.

    Also I thought scholastic fairs only happened in Canada lol

  7. It’s crazy that I have the same memory of book fairs when I’m a different generation and on the other side of the world. They really don’t change much… or at all

  8. I remember getting this root beer scented green highlighter in maybe like 2012 and to this very day it still has it’s weird, artificially and chemically sweet scent like the first day I got it… Also other than dinosaur related anything, I also bought as many “Bad Kitty” books I could that I still have starting from like 2008

  9. I’ve seen this video like six times and just BARELY noticed the Pride and Prejudice BBC miniseries theme music in the beginning.

    And I call myself a fan. Shame.

  10. Uplay is the worst. I downloaded it to play division one bought on steam. Recently told there was a sale but didnt have store tab on my launcher. Apparently you have to buy directly from website at least one game through uplay store for store tab to show up on launcher. Like WHAT?!

  11. I remember having a mental breakdown because my mum found the $12 I was saving up for the fake prank sound phone. Because when I was little $12 was fucking heaps in my child mind.

  12. Scholastic book fairs was the only hype thing in elementary – middle school

    Well, besides recess, Kahoot, field day, and Bill Nye during science class

  13. one of the most vivid and confusing memories that I have from book fairs 2005-2010 was the danica patrick posters all the boys wanted

  14. Oh yeah, the true best thing sold at those book fairs was the calculators that looked and smelled like chocolate bars. Gooood times!

  15. like 50 seconds in and as an immigrant with a weird obsession with books and my older sibling in another country i did my absolute best to win scholastic competitions and stuff to get those weird coupons to buy a singular book or a poster because i got third place instead of first.
    update: 1 and a half minute in and holy shit i envied every kid that had their order come in during class cause my esl classes, obviously no immigrant kid got anything, but the classes we had with other people were mad depressing just seeing what they got and we couldnt

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