Master of Disguise – Nostalgia Critic

[Applause] to review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review because there's only so many times you can say that's not funny and on top of that only so much that a person like me can take so rather than look at this film as a comedy I'm instead gonna look at it as cinematic suicide a film that wants to die and tries everything in its power to die that way when I shove it up Dana Carvey x' anal passage I will feel no guilt whatsoever what that said master of disguise I call this movie the crowning achievement of failure from production company happy Madison this is Adam Sandler's production company that seems to reward the strange phenomenon that despite someone like Sandler having many different talents he somehow makes millions by insultingly using none of them and thus happy Madison has wanted to help other comedians make money with no identifiable effort whatsoever and because this has adam bombed career after career after career i don't know what they do maybe it's like wow those harry potter ringwraith ripoff they just come in and suck out all the money out of here then one of those often funny comedians that seemed to suffer from happy mass since touch of death is then a carving this was an SNL cast member who had a great talent for impersonation they had it all around a beat feel to him he even had a couple of hit movies with his friend Mike Myers and Wayne's World and Wayne's World 2 but his rising star was having trouble finding a solar system to call its own and a lot of his projects were starting to tank and whatever measly speck of Hope he had left was sodomized and buried when he wrote and started this fucking hunk of shit how bad is it well Rotten Tomatoes has given it 1% and according to what I hear a lot of Statistics have a 1% margin of error bad people that bad so let's see why all of this is warranted this is master of disguise really just 1% oh so we start out with some background text oh wait this is for a Happy Madison audience they're reading for them many centuries ago their remarkable family began to practice the magical art of disguise apparently they became so good at this that in 1979 one of the contrast form into a 2002 looking Bo Derek this is a new life for my son I will never tell him of his true destiny that's James Brolin playing the father of our main character was born years later under the name pistachio disguisey now you may think that name is fucking ridiculously obvious but remember again Happy Madison productions I'm surprised they don't spell everything out like this so that their audience doesn't get confused I Sofia what an unexpected surprise enough cake of course the joke is that pistachio is not very smart but it's okay they at least wrote in a boatload of charm for him oh wait they did not excuse a young man they I couldn't help but notice that you became acquainted with the sidewalk a moment ago pistachio why don't you do one of your funny voices and sure the kid up you mean he wasn't already Oh God is that gonna be the voice he's gonna use throughout the majority of the movie can you judge me let me check me right now come on kill me I know just what are you doing you said to stick you it was a joke Rachel oh hey we're just standing with a syringe in the corner the whole time you know so he does one of his many voices for the kid why don't you get away from me donkey what'd you talk about get away from you I'm making waffles well to be fair wasn't that funny when Shrek didn't either oh I see you like my dog what perhaps your Papa will buy you a dog I never had a dad like that so what you might have figured out early on is that Dana Carvey seems to have the basics of comedy a little backwards it's not funny voices and faces that makes a character it's a character that makes funny voices and faces and this one has little to no identity outside of an over-the-top accent even Mario will be shouting racists at him watch and learn my friend oh god the father's amitabh or is that he's offensive maybe that's why he can't hold down a girlfriend for two minutes either look shows the silly voices and making faces it was fun for like one second oh my god that's the movie that's the movie right there you summed it up in one sentence how did you do that something else Carvey sure picked up it's that character is based on investment and it's hard to be invested in someone who clearly is not invested in anything going on around him but instead how silly he can make his performance take a look at this scene and tell me of Carvey oh I'm sorry the incredibly fleshed-out pistachio character shows any signs of caring wait discovers his mother and father have been kidnapped please Heavenly Father show me a sign I promise I will never mock you again my family is missing and I don't know what to do I don't know what they do I don't know what to do yeah he just seems more occupied in smiling with his mouth open I think the music is actually trying harder than he is but cannoli is a better actor than him right now I always believe there's a cannoli I don't know what to do I don't know it yes go lie down being unfunny can take a lot out of you so they make an exorcist joke because it existed and he's visited by his grandfather who says he can help him get his parents back by using the family talent of disguise unfortunately they don't seem able to disguise him as a funny comedian when you around the room did you hear something that sounded like this yes exactly that here's another big problem I'm sorry I hate to pick apart every little bit but bad comedy has to be understood if it's not to be repeated which I'm sure this film is gonna do a lot of anyway slapstick is funny because of cause and effect somewhere in the mix somebody has to suffer that's the nature of comedy now you can delay the reaction or have the reaction happen to somebody else but bottom line somebody has to be in some form of misery Carvey however throughout the entire film just smiles this dumbass smile if he's not gonna be hurt by any pain show the reaction of the confused person trying to hurt him that would be funny because they're not getting the reaction they wanted or if you're playing with the audience expectation give a payoff or at least some understanding that that's what you're trying to do but nope dumbass smile that's all we get get me some man-sized meatballs yeah if my mouth open makes up laughs I'm baby geniuses if it must make him laugh here look that face might entertain your one-year-old for an hour and a half but asshole you are on SNL I mean it's like somebody chopping off my head with a sword and nobody ever having a reaction okay is this gonna be like a thing with you seriously every single time I make a joke am i good to look behind my back and make sure you're not gonna kill me well you know no I don't know you're something very mixed signals right now well I'll just go do that Rachel Lee things I do so if you're wondering why the hell doesn't just grandpa go and save the parents well it's because the ancient book of disguiseys just a pop-up book a man says he is not allowed if a father and mother are missing only a son who is become a master of disguise can save them without any direct help from the grandfather but of course direct help doesn't include as much help as fucking humanly possible what with him training his grandson giving him all sorts of tools and sharing everything he knows about disguising but to be fair he'll need all the help he can get as his father is being forced by data oh wait this is evil data so lured to use his disguises to steal priceless artifacts or else he'll kill his wife become a master of disguise once again and helped me obtain the world's rarest treasures [Laughter] okay I'll keep this movie 1 point for making me laugh at a fart joke that's actually very difficult to do what's funny but thank God our heroes are doing more important things like dressing Carvey up like an Indian Steve Carell the question is not who I am the question is who are you I know who I am I'm Prince lolly Gemma from the ringy-dingy Heights near Bombay Calcutta in New Delhi India India India cool fuck he's made him a guy from short circular politically correct hey honey what is for dinner anyone can put on the disguise it changed his voice that's another tall eulogy criticism of the movie you know do you leave me no you you seem to be doing well on your own you know here's just a notes on that scene I took I think that about sums it up but they better hurry for Lawrence forcing Carvey's father to disguise himself as the only celebrities this movies budget could afford tricking people into handing over priceless treasures you've got serious masks head [Laughter] you've got me to laugh once you got me to laugh once in a fart joke a fucking fart joke and then what are you doing you'll ruin it you're totally just brilliant it flew too close to the Sun on wings of vigilance shame I know so it's decided that the master of disguise needs an assistant so they go ahead and put an ad out for one well I was executive secretary for Jensen and answer to your question I have no idea what's wrong with any of these applicants yeah I really don't know he just tosses them all up because they think a tracking shot is funny maybe like the rest of the film it assumes that can supply a decent comedy by supplying no decent comedy but the kitty comes across earlier turns out to have a steaming hot mother of course who also happens to be showing out to apply for the job measurement what for thank you for a uniform 35 24 34 mouth open is too funny so she seems smart intelligent and quick on her feet she might be the perfect candidate except for one problem her butt is too small no really that's what they consider a problem in this movie me like it but this cat's got no mama caboose my great a cooler did this be a no Jacobs go ahead and let one cool of it people or you know has this actress going on to anything else okay good so she's doing well in school mm-hmm I'm gonna write her an apology card anyway cuz Laura knows somebody has to apologize to her deepest condolences okay there we go yeah I mean I I know we'll make up for it but you know just something to eat and some chocolates you know just something nice to send her maybe she can just look at and say hey it wasn't all that bad got chocolates you know just something to just sew and check you know I mean for God's sake I mean it's I'm sure she got paid but whatever she got paid it it wasn't enough so they find a cigar at the scene of the crime that belongs to the turtle club so what does he do Teressa Boyken turtle of course no keep in mind this is the image that appears the most in all the advertising the turtle guy this is the character that they like to really push so obviously this is the comedic highlight of the movie this is what they want you to remember the most and how does it go are you a member of the turtle club am I not totally enough for the turtle club okay the majority of the scene oh I take it back there is one ball memory bytes a guy's nose off so there's that but otherwise there's nothing going on except him shouting turtle turtle turtle Charles no movie I I want to be serious for a moment and I just want to ask in all honesty nothing ironic no cynicism nothing just straightforward man-to-man what did you think was gonna happen here and what was the mindset did you really think that years later people were gonna be looking back and the the brilliance of the turtle scene how did they do it turtle scene ungodly genius so many various levels in which it works we should pull it up to the great comedic masters that come before us who's our first crouch you in the mirror Lucy in the chocolates fucking turtle of course naturally I mean I believe I actually saw that on Turner Classic Movies when they were analyzing the brilliant comedic writers of any generation woman's not so much this conception that one would perceive at Tortola to be merely for roughhouse but the fact that he repeats the word turtle over and over I don't get it no no he repeats the word turtle over and over I still don't get it he repeats the word turtle over and over I still don't get it well fuck you I thought it was funny so they traced the cigar back to Laura's place which of course means he'll have to Don another disguise oh yeah some people live from my misery oh yes continue in the Mike Myers tradition of being so wrapped up and how funny you are that you barely even look the other person in the face no mo no chicken satay and get that little stick stuck in my oh so I guess not a chance okay now I'm going to ask you if you got a little waiter and some tiny nuts sorry you know I could tell just by looking at you you had your wiener [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] was like the last two minutes [Applause] yeah no I understand so um I might be going away for a while after this review it's just a heads up but wait you want more annoying impressions without any rhyme or reason don't worry there's literally one two minutes away because apparently the guards never realized that if an obvious suspicious person is around something fucking obvious and suspicious is probably going on exchange student at the University of hiders but what two minutes is too long a time to go without another one of these irresistible characters well how about 30 seconds yeah literally thirty seconds later he's another character the virial ding dong ding indicating war not – I need a chance to choo get it got it dumped it oh oh I did receive a letter she received a letter get it got it doubt it that's my catchphrase I'm trying to hammer it in I just know all these characters are gonna have spin-off show seeing how so well developed and brilliantly written they are what was that 80 seconds of screen time that's more than enough to leave an impression how me enough even with them getting closer and closer to the villain they never do seem to stop him from continuing his evil plans maybe if they spent a little more time for ting a little less time mugging thoroughly insane oh my god you're such a phony again I'm not even joking that joke actually became funny again this time around it's like for all the terrible humor going on this movie there's a fascinating journey of this one joke in like the peaks and valleys it's taking in the evolution it's actually kind of fascinating fart joke how do you do it he just all part of the journey I simply go and with the Golden Path maintained well I certainly look forward to what you discover next part joke piece be the humor Corning's to youtube fart joke so Carvey asked for assistance from his magic ancient ball yeah one of those is in this now and he gets help from his grandfather who just to clarify again can't tell them I'm a pre-recorded hologram what is your question I fear I have not mustered enough energy co to overcome our enemies pistachio hoping you'd be here ha ha that pre-recorded hologram somehow seemed to know that a kid would enter from the left and not be freaked out at all that there's a giant scary head hovering over him that's a good iced tea so could a c8 Josh my wood he sneaks into the bad guys hideout as a cherry pie hopefully that's the only cherry Dana Carvey ever popped and tries to rescue his assistant and his father who are apparently being auctioned off on black mark eBay really fucking really he does the exact same move three times then that scares all the ninjas away one move one fucking move I mean it's like me using one move to fight off Robocop in an Iron Man mask with the Mariachi hat carrying a bow and arrow with Doug's shoes no seriously what is going on what is all this it's my birthday yeah but lore has another evil plan he's glued a mask of himself on the Carvey's father and is hypnotized him into thinking he's really the villain I was going to throw him off a cliff now fart joke I have to admit that last one wasn't as funny as the other ones do not worry critic it is as I have said before the journey of the five children must flow whatever the wind may take well I really hope your journey doesn't end here for a joke I'd love for you to keep exploring the possibilities of this realm so do I put it so do I now I must continue my travels Godspeed bro joke Godspeed but of course Carvey convinces his father that he's not lor and he shakes his mask off that's a thing now but the fact remains that the villain still got away so through the means of no explanation because we just wanted to get to the end credits they discover where Laura is and trick him by having Dana Carvey do the only thing he was ever good at to begin with imitating bush a different bush this time but don't worry the annoyance still comes through would you mind if we had a picture together hmm I'll take your time now I'm ready is it me or was Prince behind her trying to transform into screech by the end of this movie it's you shakes oh yeah he knocks him out by lightly tapping the side of his head and he pulls into the pool she did her joke I'm joking that last one was terrible I know pretty I know but clearly my journey is all is my smelly time in this world has come to an end Bert joke no we had such an incredible journey together you've totally changed my outlook I'm about humorous capable of critical wise nano once there when the story is over close the book did you just quote the first Herbie movie maybe goodbye my friend and remember I am the breaking no fart joke no you can't leave yet so much more you can teach me goodbye Archer remember you [Applause] god damn it Oh me you tell the fart joke it's just when you think they couldn't possibly kill anything else the movie decides it also wants to kill our time yeah just when you think it's time to go home it turns out the movie is only an hour and 12 minutes long God it feels such an eternity longer but nevertheless that's the running time so they literally fill up eight minutes of credits with bloopers alternate takes deleted scenes they're pretty much forcing you to watch all the special features on the DVD because they know for a fact you'll never be interested enough in seeing them it just keeps going and going and going and going this hipper than you are behind this is the first giant yo-yo here we go there we go – but you people are still doing here you tell me asshole you're the one keeping us hostage you just saw the movie ok I'm trying to talk all right goodbye Hey all right so anyway ah there we go ok is that in is that really in are we truly done that no mom's dog the worst it's amazing how unfunny it is and what they confuse for comedy if you keep your toddlers a camera and told them to film something funny I bet you a million bucks they will come up with something funnier than this it's one of the worst comedies of all time and for good fucking reason even if it did have that one joke that worked even the movie found a way to kill it dead in its tracks because that's what the movie does it kills comedy and all I can say is I'm gonna miss you fart joke I'm gonna miss you I'm the Nostalgia Critic it you kill my fucking fart joke we'll remember my birthday [Laughter] fired happy birthday [Applause] you

41 thoughts on “Master of Disguise – Nostalgia Critic”

  1. "The defendant stands accused of three charges of assault, destruction of property, and the murdering f hundreds, if not thousands, of stupid-asses. How does he plead?"
    "Not guilty."
    As the evidence of shown, Master of Disguise plays
    "The jury finds the defendant not guilty."

  2. Wait, it's a character that makes funny faces, not the other way around, right?


  3. Let's throw a Scarface reference in there too ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘ I totally forgot they did that in the movie ๐Ÿ˜’

  4. Iโ€™ve heard that turtle club sound bit before and only just now learned where it was from. Thatโ€™s the only reason I laughed at that joke

  5. It's 30% unfunny annoyance from Biodome and 70% desperation of getting a laugh from begining to the very end from Inspector Gadget the Movie!

  6. I only just found out Dana Carvey wasn't involved in another feature film until Jack & Jill. He certainly has an eye for quality.

  7. G-Bus H-Christmas Team Rocket were better at disguising than this asshole! Hell, Tom Kenny is better at impressions than Dana Carvey!

  8. When Doug doesn't say "hello I'm the nostalgia critic I remember it so you don't have to" you know we're in trouble

  9. 13:23 They're speaking actually surprisingly good italian. Though a more accurate translation is:
    "She's a bit thin in the ass… do you mind?"
    "I understand… it's a tiny ass."

  10. The bat scene was the funniest part. Something about watching three people being beaten to death is hilarious.

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