How to spot a liar | Pamela Meyer


Okay, now I don’t want
to alarm anybody in this room, but it’s just come to my attention
that the person to your right is a liar. (Laughter) Also, the person to your left is a liar. Also the person sitting
in your very seats is a liar. We’re all liars. What I’m going to do today is I’m going to show you what the research
says about why we’re all liars, how you can become a liespotter and why you might want
to go the extra mile and go from liespotting to truth seeking, and ultimately to trust building. Now, speaking of trust, ever since I wrote
this book, “Liespotting,” no one wants to meet me in person
anymore, no, no, no, no, no. They say, “It’s okay, we’ll email you.” (Laughter) I can’t even get
a coffee date at Starbucks. My husband’s like, “Honey, deception? Maybe you could have focused on cooking.
How about French cooking?” So before I get started,
what I’m going to do is I’m going to clarify my goal for you, which is not to teach a game of Gotcha. Liespotters aren’t those nitpicky kids, those kids in the back of the room
that are shouting, “Gotcha! Gotcha! Your eyebrow twitched.
You flared your nostril. I watch that TV show ‘Lie To Me.’
I know you’re lying.” No, liespotters are armed with scientific knowledge
of how to spot deception. They use it to get to the truth, and they do what mature
leaders do everyday; they have difficult conversations
with difficult people, sometimes during very difficult times. And they start up that path
by accepting a core proposition, and that proposition is the following: Lying is a cooperative act. Think about it, a lie has no power
whatsoever by its mere utterance. Its power emerges when someone else agrees
to believe the lie. So I know it may sound like tough love, but look, if at some point
you got lied to, it’s because you agreed to get lied to. Truth number one about lying:
Lying’s a cooperative act. Now not all lies are harmful. Sometimes we’re willing
participants in deception for the sake of social dignity, maybe to keep a secret that should
be kept secret, secret. We say, “Nice song.” “Honey, you don’t look fat in that, no.” Or we say, favorite of the digiratti, “You know, I just fished
that email out of my Spam folder. So sorry.” But there are times when we are unwilling
participants in deception. And that can have dramatic costs for us. Last year saw 997 billion dollars in corporate fraud alone
in the United States. That’s an eyelash
under a trillion dollars. That’s seven percent of revenues. Deception can cost billions. Think Enron, Madoff, the mortgage crisis. Or in the case
of double agents and traitors, like Robert Hanssen or Aldrich Ames, lies can betray our country, they can compromise our security,
they can undermine democracy, they can cause the deaths
of those that defend us. Deception is actually serious business. This con man, Henry Oberlander,
he was such an effective con man, British authorities say he could have undermined the entire
banking system of the Western world. And you can’t find this guy on Google;
you can’t find him anywhere. He was interviewed once,
and he said the following. He said, “Look, I’ve got one rule.” And this was Henry’s rule, he said, “Look, everyone is willing
to give you something. They’re ready to give you something
for whatever it is they’re hungry for.” And that’s the crux of it. If you don’t want to be
deceived, you have to know, what is it that you’re hungry for? And we all kind of hate to admit it. We wish we were
better husbands, better wives, smarter, more powerful, taller, richer — the list goes on. Lying is an attempt to bridge that gap, to connect our wishes and our fantasies about who we wish we were,
how we wish we could be, with what we’re really like. And boy are we willing to fill in
those gaps in our lives with lies. On a given day, studies show
that you may be lied to anywhere from 10 to 200 times. Now granted, many of those are white lies. But in another study, it showed that strangers lied three times within the first 10 minutes
of meeting each other. (Laughter) Now when we first hear
this data, we recoil. We can’t believe how prevalent lying is. We’re essentially against lying. But if you look more closely,
the plot actually thickens. We lie more to strangers
than we lie to coworkers. Extroverts lie more than introverts. Men lie eight times more about themselves
than they do other people. Women lie more to protect other people. If you’re an average married couple, you’re going to lie to your spouse
in one out of every 10 interactions. Now, you may think that’s bad. If you’re unmarried,
that number drops to three. Lying’s complex. It’s woven into the fabric
of our daily and our business lives. We’re deeply ambivalent about the truth. We parse it out on an as-needed basis, sometimes for very good reasons, other times just because
we don’t understand the gaps in our lives. That’s truth number two about lying. We’re against lying, but we’re covertly for it in ways that our society has sanctioned
for centuries and centuries and centuries. It’s as old as breathing. It’s part of our culture,
it’s part of our history. Think Dante, Shakespeare,
the Bible, News of the World. (Laughter) Lying has evolutionary value
to us as a species. Researchers have long known
that the more intelligent the species, the larger the neocortex, the more likely it is to be deceptive. Now you might remember Koko. Does anybody remember Koko the gorilla
who was taught sign language? Koko was taught to communicate
via sign language. Here’s Koko with her kitten. It’s her cute little, fluffy pet kitten. Koko once blamed her pet kitten
for ripping a sink out of the wall. (Laughter) We’re hardwired to become
leaders of the pack. It’s starts really, really early. How early? Well babies will fake a cry, pause, wait to see who’s coming and then go right back to crying. One-year-olds learn concealment. (Laughter) Two-year-olds bluff. Five-year-olds lie outright. They manipulate via flattery. Nine-year-olds, masters of the cover-up. By the time you enter college, you’re going to lie to your mom
in one out of every five interactions. By the time we enter this work world
and we’re breadwinners, we enter a world that is just cluttered
with Spam, fake digital friends, partisan media, ingenious identity thieves, world-class Ponzi schemers, a deception epidemic — in short, what one author calls
a post-truth society. It’s been very confusing
for a long time now. What do you do? Well, there are steps we can take
to navigate our way through the morass. Trained liespotters get to the truth
90 percent of the time. The rest of us,
we’re only 54 percent accurate. Why is it so easy to learn? There are good liars and bad liars. There are no real original liars. We all make the same mistakes.
We all use the same techniques. So what I’m going to do is I’m going
to show you two patterns of deception. And then we’re going
to look at the hot spots and see if we can find them ourselves. We’re going to start with speech. (Video) Bill Clinton:
I want you to listen to me. I’m going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations
with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anybody to lie,
not a single time, never. And these allegations are false. And I need to go back to work
for the American people. Thank you. (Applause) Pamela Meyer: Okay,
what were the telltale signs? Well first we heard what’s known
as a non-contracted denial. Studies show that people
who are overdetermined in their denial will resort to formal rather
than informal language. We also heard
distancing language: “that woman.” We know that liars will unconsciously
distance themselves from their subject, using language as their tool. Now if Bill Clinton had said,
“Well, to tell you the truth …” or Richard Nixon’s favorite,
“In all candor …” he would have been a dead giveaway for any liespotter that knows that qualifying language, as it’s called,
qualifying language like that, further discredits the subject. Now if he had repeated
the question in its entirety, or if he had peppered his account
with a little too much detail — and we’re all really glad
he didn’t do that — he would have further discredited himself. Freud had it right. Freud said, look,
there’s much more to it than speech: “No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent,
he chatters with his fingertips.” And we all do it no matter
how powerful you are. We all chatter with our fingertips. I’m going to show you
Dominique Strauss-Kahn with Obama who’s chattering with his fingertips. (Laughter) Now this brings us to our next pattern,
which is body language. With body language,
here’s what you’ve got to do. You’ve really got to just throw
your assumptions out the door. Let the science temper
your knowledge a little bit. Because we think liars
fidget all the time. Well guess what, they’re known to freeze
their upper bodies when they’re lying. We think liars won’t look you in the eyes. Well guess what, they look
you in the eyes a little too much just to compensate for that myth. We think warmth and smiles
convey honesty, sincerity. But a trained liespotter
can spot a fake smile a mile away. Can you all spot the fake smile here? You can consciously contract
the muscles in your cheeks. But the real smile’s in the eyes,
the crow’s feet of the eyes. They cannot be consciously contracted, especially if you overdid the Botox. Don’t overdo the Botox;
nobody will think you’re honest. Now we’re going to look at the hot spots. Can you tell what’s happening
in a conversation? Can you start to find the hot spots to see the discrepancies between someone’s words
and someone’s actions? Now, I know it seems really obvious, but when you’re having a conversation
with someone you suspect of deception, attitude is by far the most overlooked
but telling of indicators. An honest person
is going to be cooperative. They’re going to show
they’re on your side. They’re going to be enthusiastic. They’re going to be willing and helpful
to getting you to the truth. They’re going to be willing
to brainstorm, name suspects, provide details. They’re going to say, “Hey, maybe it was those guys in payroll
that forged those checks.” They’re going to be infuriated
if they sense they’re wrongly accused throughout the entire course
of the interview, not just in flashes; they’ll be infuriated throughout
the entire course of the interview. And if you ask someone honest what should happen
to whomever did forge those checks, an honest person is much more likely to recommend strict rather
than lenient punishment. Now let’s say you’re having
that exact same conversation with someone deceptive. That person may be withdrawn, look down, lower their voice, pause, be kind of herky-jerky. Ask a deceptive person
to tell their story, they’re going to pepper it
with way too much detail in all kinds of irrelevant places. And then they’re going to tell their story
in strict chronological order. And what a trained interrogator does is they come in and in very subtle ways
over the course of several hours, they will ask that person
to tell that story backwards, and then they’ll watch them squirm, and track which questions produce
the highest volume of deceptive tells. Why do they do that?
Well, we all do the same thing. We rehearse our words, but we rarely rehearse our gestures. We say “yes,” we shake our heads “no.” We tell very convincing stories,
we slightly shrug our shoulders. We commit terrible crimes, and we smile at the delight
in getting away with it. Now, that smile is known
in the trade as “duping delight.” And we’re going to see that
in several videos moving forward, but we’re going to start —
for those of you who don’t know him, this is presidential
candidate John Edwards who shocked America by fathering
a child out of wedlock. We’re going to see him talk
about getting a paternity test. See now if you can spot him
saying, “yes” while shaking his head “no,” slightly shrugging his shoulders. (Video) John Edwards: I’d be happy
to participate in one. I know that it’s not possible
that this child could be mine, because of the timing of events. So I know it’s not possible. Happy to take a paternity test,
and would love to see it happen. Interviewer: Are you going to do
that soon? Is there somebody — JE: Well, I’m only one side.
I’m only one side of the test. But I’m happy to participate in one. PM: Okay, those head shakes
are much easier to spot once you know to look for them. There are going to be times
when someone makes one expression while masking another that just
kind of leaks through in a flash. Murderers are known to leak sadness. Your new joint venture partner
might shake your hand, celebrate, go out to dinner with you
and then leak an expression of anger. And we’re not all going to become
facial expression experts overnight here, but there’s one I can teach you
that’s very dangerous and it’s easy to learn, and that’s the expression of contempt. Now with anger, you’ve got
two people on an even playing field. It’s still somewhat
of a healthy relationship. But when anger turns to contempt,
you’ve been dismissed. It’s associated with moral superiority. And for that reason, it’s very,
very hard to recover from. Here’s what it looks like. It’s marked by one lip corner
pulled up and in. It’s the only asymmetrical expression. And in the presence of contempt,
whether or not deception follows — and it doesn’t always follow — look the other way,
go the other direction, reconsider the deal, say, “No thank you. I’m not coming up
for just one more nightcap. Thank you.” Science has surfaced
many, many more indicators. We know, for example, we know liars will shift their blink rate, point their feet towards an exit. They will take barrier objects and put them between themselves
and the person that is interviewing them. They’ll alter their vocal tone, often making their vocal tone much lower. Now here’s the deal. These behaviors are just behaviors. They’re not proof of deception. They’re red flags. We’re human beings. We make deceptive flailing gestures
all over the place all day long. They don’t mean anything
in and of themselves. But when you see clusters
of them, that’s your signal. Look, listen, probe,
ask some hard questions, get out of that very comfortable
mode of knowing, walk into curiosity mode,
ask more questions, have a little dignity, treat the person
you’re talking to with rapport. Don’t try to be like those folks
on “Law & Order” and those other TV shows that pummel their subjects
into submission. Don’t be too aggressive, it doesn’t work. Now, we’ve talked a little bit
about how to talk to someone who’s lying and how to spot a lie. And as I promised, we’re now going
to look at what the truth looks like. But I’m going to show you two videos, two mothers — one is lying,
one is telling the truth. And these were surfaced by researcher
David Matsumoto in California. And I think they’re an excellent example
of what the truth looks like. This mother, Diane Downs, shot her kids at close range, drove them to the hospital
while they bled all over the car, claimed a scraggy-haired stranger did it. And you’ll see when you see the video, she can’t even pretend
to be an agonizing mother. What you want to look for here
is an incredible discrepancy between horrific events that she describes
and her very, very cool demeanor. And if you look closely, you’ll see
duping delight throughout this video. (Video) Diane Downs:
At night when I close my eyes, I can see Christie reaching
her hand out to me while I’m driving, and the blood just kept
coming out of her mouth. And that — maybe
it’ll fade too with time — but I don’t think so. That bothers me the most. PM: Now I’m going to show you a video of an actual grieving mother,
Erin Runnion, confronting her daughter’s murderer
and torturer in court. Here you’re going to see no false emotion, just the authentic expression
of a mother’s agony. (Video) Erin Runnion:
I wrote this statement on the third anniversary
of the night you took my baby, and you hurt her, and you crushed her, you terrified her until her heart stopped. And she fought, and I know she fought you. But I know she looked at you
with those amazing brown eyes, and you still wanted to kill her. And I don’t understand it, and I never will. PM: Okay, there’s no doubting
the veracity of those emotions. Now the technology
around what the truth looks like is progressing on, the science of it. We know, for example, that we now have specialized eye trackers
and infrared brain scans, MRI’s that can decode the signals
that our bodies send out when we’re trying to be deceptive. And these technologies are going
to be marketed to all of us as panaceas for deceit, and they will prove
incredibly useful some day. But you’ve got to ask yourself
in the meantime: Who do you want on your side
of the meeting, someone who’s trained
in getting to the truth or some guy who’s going to drag
a 400-pound electroencephalogram through the door? Liespotters rely on human tools. They know, as someone once said, “Character’s who you are in the dark.” And what’s kind of interesting
is that today, we have so little darkness. Our world is lit up 24 hours a day. It’s transparent
with blogs and social networks broadcasting the buzz
of a whole new generation of people that have made a choice to live
their lives in public. It’s a much more noisy world. So one challenge we have is to remember, oversharing, that’s not honesty. Our manic tweeting and texting
can blind us to the fact that the subtleties
of human decency — character integrity — that’s still what matters,
that’s always what’s going to matter. So in this much noisier world, it might make sense for us to be just a little bit more explicit
about our moral code. When you combine the science
of recognizing deception with the art of looking, listening, you exempt yourself
from collaborating in a lie. You start up that path
of being just a little bit more explicit, because you signal to everyone around you, you say, “Hey, my world, our world,
it’s going to be an honest one. My world is going to be
one where truth is strengthened and falsehood is recognized
and marginalized.” And when you do that, the ground around you starts
to shift just a little bit. And that’s the truth. Thank you. (Applause)

100 thoughts on “How to spot a liar | Pamela Meyer”

  1. At first I was like “Oh no! What if I do these things accidentally when I’m not lying? My social anxiety might make me do all of these things and everyone will think I’m a liar and I won’t be able to fix it except to try to study how to be not a liar which will make me act even more suspicious!”

    But then I was like “what if I am lying all the time and I don’t even know it and some liars don’t know they’re lying or think the things they say are fine and and and and”

    So just a PSA, if you live with a crippling anxiety disorder that you’ve yet to get under control, it’s enough that you are scared of being thought of as a liar, because compulsive liars are 100% scared of being found out when they hear this and can think of specific examples that aren’t as basic as “sometimes I say I don’t feel good when I’m not excited to do something to get out of it.”

  2. im not going to lie, your dressed like Peter Pan and you even has his stance. your a heb you sure do know about lying, if your lips are moving……………………………….I do not lie, im a Christian. a j spotting a lier wow what a concept you lie about the Messiah you lie and lie and lie then you get on stage and talk about lying. the lengths you are willing to go for money and fame and deception wow tell us about the Talmud and its lies, that would be a good start

  3. Incredibly creepy, over-confident b.s. artist who figured out what will make desperate people buy a book. I've never heard someone spew so much b.s. in 20 mins while convincing people she holds some secret they don't. No emotion. The person claiming to be an expert in lying is lying to you.

  4. Fantastic presentation! The inability to tell truth from falsehood is a human design flaw. The best material on this subject that I have found is the work of Dr. David R. Hawkins. Start with "Power v. Force". There are about ten books in the series, each book in succession brings deeper understanding. https://veritaspub.com/ It will take several years to get through this material. The "Course in Miracles" is another fantastic source. Both tough on ego deception.

  5. 🔴☝️In my country (Iraq) telling the truth will cost your life ..so lie not always is bad …..BUT to be addicted to be lie that is refer to a problem in your Character

  6. for us naturalz like myself, spotting liars comes with the gift you were given on this planet for reading people like books str8 up im a god

  7. Easy, ask for their business card. If they are a politicians, lawyers or government workers, they are liars. I NEVER lie.

  8. As a people, if our mouths are moving… We're lying. I think we like being lied to. I have the habit of telling the brutal honest truth, and this pisses people off. So I've come to the conclusion that despite people saying they want to be told the truth… They really don't, they want to be lied to.

  9. ted talks always kinda suck but are almost innovative/insightful. some are great. most are like "waiting for it..waiting for it..omg..omg..nope, they said nothing innovative or impressive and actually quite irrelevant sometimes"

  10. was it william blake whom wrote 'the truth told with bad intent is worst than all the lies you can invent' our own minds are the greatest deceivers not the person in front of you the insistence on telling the truth is verging on a facade when you realise the brain edits and adds and substracts data from our that which our senses gather so this data conforms to the patterns of our belief. The greatest difficulty is for each person developing an openess to what is, and openess and acceptance for what is real and dropping all the beliefs and editing mechanisms and motives to allow the truth to get thru in our own minds, our own minds are the greatest deceivers not the person in front of you

  11. I learned nothing new from this. Idc if everyone lies, i dont trust anyone anyways because EVERYONE is looking out for their own interests.

  12. Time is the best liar, it’s changing at a leaner way, and everyone change shaped by economy politics processed food chemicals fox news scripts . Not if your brain is controlled and stoned by a prism of choices, which wouldn’t be the worst life. Just distracted.

  13. Lying is often used to compensate for a weak personality or insecurity. Many people are so conditioned for the need for approval, they cannot tell others the truth. Truthful people lose "friends" over their truthfulness. They're often not popular and ridiculed behind their back. But, secretly they are admired for their courage. But, it's a positive and increasingly rare attribute-when you meet someone that's confident enough to tell you how they see it, keep them in your circle. Few people are confident enough to speak their mind, when asked.

  14. Is it possible to Forget and be accused to be a liar ?how can you recognize somebody who has forgotten and the one who are lying?thx.

  15. One night while listening to the BBC, they interviewed American researchers and their study of lying. The researcher stated that one symptom of lying – scratching around the nose due to irritation of the sinus tissue. The interviewer asked for an example of someone doing just that. The researcher chuckled and said if you watch the video of the FBI's questioning of Bill Clinton and his denial of sexual relations with Lewinsky, you can see him rubbing around the nose!

  16. Just because you don't understand the "gaps in your life" does not mean you get to stand there and say the 'Bible' is a lie. Actually, I take that back because this country was founded in God and we fought for our freedoms so that you can stand there and say whatever you want. Who in the heck do you think you are? Are you suddenly the subject matter expert in Christianity? You could have mentioned any religious text, but NO… You mention the Bible. A 2000+-year-old text which has been scientifically proven correct. Seems very highly critical of you to mention only the Bible. I'm sure all religion is just religion, right? You are very incorrect to assert your political liberal viewpoints into a discussion about lies. You are right, we do lie and it is woven into our 'human' response to do so because we all fall short of what Christ wants for us. We are not perfect human beings but through a personal relationship in Christ, we are saved by asking forgiveness and truly repent of our ways. Does this mean you're not going to lie ever again? No, but it means that you will work your best to not lie. However, what you fail to realize is that your comparison is so drastically wrong that it is apparent you believe that Christianity is fake. The original thing the U.S. was founded on was God. It's interesting what has happened since taking 'God' out of literally everything we do now. society has only gotten worse and you are living proof that it has. Wake up and smell the coffee and realize there is a creator. He has a name and its Jesus. We did not come from 'nothing'. Therefore, God exists and the Bible is not a lie.

  17. Not putting your eyes on behaviors when you have to assist with the behavior it's never never never never never never that you have your eye on the behavior cuz soon as you put your eye on anything or anyone the repeating starts now it can't be about the word so many words Scramble with no sound I appreciate walking in peace that's not the ground of someone's Behavior that they run to their brain it open up their mouth like they are can cover their lie so all of that watching watching watching watching and no nothing I don't believe that somebody better know something and not the repeated behavior that has been so long lies and then have others talking about they standing on shoulders and is not about nobody's feet working on rice paper the mighty silence that is not a Lam working in silence that is my favorite without the sound it never had a sound and I believe somebody better know the difference I like nothing about others that read billions and trillions of books and no nothing only what the book say back and forth and didn't know nothing

  18. If they're a scientist who believes in "global warming" is an excellent way. My bad, I meant "climate change" as the former wasn't working out for them.

  19. No , were not liars, we are truth tellers. cant she understand axioms?
    'https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMVp9OmKtNc

  20. Lie spotting is ok but it has its limitations maybe 60% accuracy however statement analysis has 100% accuracy .

  21. That part about being enthusiastic in helping an investigator is bullshit – esp at work. You'll be open and honest about yourself, but no one is going to go out of their way and name suspects if they dont have any reason to. No one is going to be cooperative and "help you get to the truth". They will want to stay out of it and make sure that they dont do anything that would be construed as misleading or deflecting the blame.

    At the end of the day, its not their job to help you find the culprit and they need to be able to work after you are done without everyone looking at them like they are a stooge.

  22. Am i really censored for writing b***j*b? Could it be possible that americans have to lie about the embarrassing fact that people have holes in their backyard?

  23. Its really bad she presents all of this as fact. Because when it comes down to it humans are very different from Each other and everybody has different personalities and there is no right or wrong answer. What she is saying might pertain to a group of people but is completely different from another group of people. She shouldn't present this as fact because then it will make those other people seem like liars when in reality they are just being themselves.

  24. Not sure if this "quote" is Pamela Myers but i read this recently and in all my years have never heard it before? Quote…"If i told you i was a compulsive liar would you believe me?"… If someone knows the origin of this quote/saying please inform me whose it is/was? I could look at posts below but might be there forever. Peace.

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