How to Get Attention Without Attention-seeking


One of the most obvious but in practice very
hardest things to ask a partner, even one we name in our will and whose life is entirely
entwined with ours, is: ‘Do you still love me?’ There would be so many reasons why they might not do so anymore: we might have driven them to the limit with our admittedly at points really rather challenging behavior. We’re not getting any younger. There are
a lot of other people – especially at work and in the invisible parts of their life – who
would have great things to offer them. It’s hard to trust anyone, given what can happen.
Furthermore, the signs aren’t necessarily very good at the moment. They spend a lot
of time on their phones. They’re a bit distracted. Their thoughts seem elsewhere. We powerfully long for reassurance and at the same time what we would need to get this reassurance
presents terrors of all its own. It would mean revealing the extent of our vulnerability
and of the scale of their power to hurt us. It would mean having to admit how much of
our life is in their hands and how deeply we depend on their good opinion of us for
our psychological survival. Sometimes the cost can feel just too high – especially
if we grew up in families where we got little reassurance that another person would understand
our needs. It seems better not to ask too directly. At the same time, their disengaged
manner is unbearable as well. In the circumstances, we may find ourselves carrying out one of
the strangest manoeuvres witnessed in relationships. We may seek to get their attention accompanied
by their anger as opposed to their attention accompanied by their love. We choose to pay
the lower price of seeking signs that they remember we exist as an alternative to the
far more arduous, rejection-risky task of securing proof that they still love us.
©Flickr/Ashley Webb So we wait until they are tired and fed up
and launch a volley of accusations: you never do much around the house, your job doesn’t
pay enough, you’ve become very dull. Or, at dinner with friends, we loudly tell a story
about something that happened during their parent’s messy divorce. What we are really
trying to say is: I love you so much. I rely on you to give sense to my life. But instead
we have managed to work them up into a rage and ensured they will say brutal things to
us. Of course, their mind is fully trained on us. But – with a horrible irony – it’s
far from the kind of attention we were seeking. We who crave their kindness, their enthusiasm,
their warmth, their compassion, their tenderness and their constructive intelligence to engage
with our needs are on the receiving end of their (very understandable) frustration, disappointment,
wounded pride and self-protective anger. We should have the courage of our longings. We
should build relationships where it is natural, and therefore not too frightening, to seek
and receive on a regular basis basic reassurance that we are wanted. We should make friends
with our own extreme dependence and not see it as a sign of either shame or evil. Furthermore,
when we next find ourselves on the receiving end of some utterly unfair accusations or
aggression from our partner, we should bear in mind that they have probably not turned
monstrous: they are simply trying to secure a reminder that we care for them in the only
way they know how, by driving us mad. Our Relationships Reboot Cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle love between you and your partner.

100 thoughts on “How to Get Attention Without Attention-seeking”

  1. Do you find yourself doing any of the things pointed out in this film? Let us know in the comments below and to join your fellow School of Life audience members, be sure to download our new free app: https://bit.ly/2YpP1Te

  2. Not sure this is the correct title for this video… I’m not in a relationship but I still would like advice on healthier ways to deal with my need for attention.

  3. Though it won't be for long, as of the date and time I typed this, I have more views than this video on one of my own so I consider my perspective valid enough to share, and let me say, alot of what will garner you healthy attention is circumstance based, I was only able to make what I made because I had a rich father who provided me with an environment and the resources that allowed me to express myself uninhibited by the downward pull of other people and create. Whether that was my father's intention to do so or not is another story but the results and what I was able to create in my earlier videos speak for themselves.

  4. Right now am at my uncles house and this girl doesn't even know my sister and my sister said do u do Dancing and she said yeah and then when I was trying to say something she just ignored me and then when I finally said I been dancing since I was 2 years old and this girl whisper and said we don't care and it was 3 minutes ago

  5. The quality of the videos is growing downhill :/ i miss the days where it was more about education then self-help

  6. But isn't that toxic behavior? Are we supposed to accept it or break away from that person, especially if it is frequent.

  7. If ready and able, we can overcome the dependance itself, which is the greater goal for human consciousness. We must challenge the entire ego and our attachment to any external thing, whether our careers, titles, material possessions, or relationships. It is crucial to continually regulate our emotional impulses and expectations of the world to meet not only our partners but our lives (!) as consciously as possible. The romantic relationship is a common outsourcing for the inner chaos TSOL often describes in the average adult.

  8. ok, 1) it’s OK TO BE insecure and vulnerable. if your partner can’t deal with it then they’re not worth your heart
    2) if your partner is not satisfied with your contribution it doesn’t mean that they need attention, that either mean you must be more responsible or your partner need to get their shit together.

    just for the record: relationships MUST be based on trust & partnership. anyone who can’t sit with you and figure things out is just playin around & NOTHING can prove love other than care & affection so f*ck all this “seek attention” bullshit.

  9. i love the point of the video that says we must be brave enough to say it without fear about our insecurities but we must never see any kind of aggression as a “way of showing love” that’s just absurd, love won’t ever be a reason to hurt on purpose !

  10. I would be very interested in a video how to react when you're in a loving relationship but meeting somebody you're interested in. not sexually but emotionally and feeling guilty for looking for other connections beside the existing relationship.

  11. Ask if the r/s is still desired. Start there. Don't bark at ur beloved, use nonviolent communication (nvt) so that even if ur fear says no too risky, you two speak what is true in your needs satchel, & if you've been excusing neglect, & you've overlooked arrogance , i.e., you've not been guardian of your soul's health, unspoken your mental-emotional state is to allow ur beloved to be proxy guardian of ur soul, the Self that is a separate person inhabiting a place of existence on earth & determining no matter what is said that you exist, you have identity that is you, that you are not an object that is of worth or is not bc your beloved decides as your soul's guardian to trash talk it & kick it to the curb as useless. Self-care is vital, it is self-guardianship. If you do not stand for your soul's existence & await validation from ur beloved, you are at the mercy of another person as to who you are now & the options avl for you to enjoy living based on what you need & want. Masochism is not far from refusing to stand as guardian of ur soul, which sets the boundaries for anyone you associate with at where they stop & where you begin, where you say, I will not be controlled, I will not be drawn into romantic manipulations that ask me to override my will for myself. I will compromise between us, but I will not become all about ur wants, ur needs, be ur cheerleader & enjoy ur attn when I am attending to yoy but suffer neglect of you in support of my interests–I AM NOT UR MOTHER TO MILK & MANIPULATE & EVENTUALLY TO BE DISRESPECTED & DISDAINED BC I loved you w/o protecting my Being as a separate Self. I warn that if arrogance arises aft you've allowed yourself to identify as his or her cherished bc you cheer yet receive no respect of social interactions you suggest & have become relatively an unknown to ur beloved & ur anger will be pressurized as "hurt" & being agreeable you might w/d to not offend bc you've learned the face that is not pleased & you watcj to not elicit it with ur words. I tell you in warning to perhaps spare u the sense that your annihilation is wanted by ur beloved & if he or she is passive, it will be in signs that you know, this person needs a mirror of ego & when you've tired of it & are depressed appearing (called dowdy looking by ur beloved even if u are maintaining ur physical body & dress bc excuses are needed for self-justification of the betrayal that has begun, the affair of ur beloved with a partner eliciting lust & excitement & fun bc aren't secrets & taking risks a dopamine high, a high w which u cannot compete. He or she might feel he/she is well managing two "parallel lives", but truth is rare to bespoken by the betrayer, the truth is you are not connected in life, your beloved is dating, is single, & as to any thot that adding sex to the best friends duo was dishonest to you, "I never thought about you" is the spoken reality bc you see, he/she is single, YOU DON'T EXIST. And truly, bc you forsook your soul's guardianship, you never existed, you were unheard, unheeded, avoided, truly an object to fulfill needs & wants & when you stopped in ur time of seeing that asking for more, a mutual consent of caring, when you became unhappy, you were classified as mood-disordered & you wanted to say, No, I am in a disorderly marriage bc I quit rah-rah'ing, the distance between us that you controlled near or far, when near was still only your attention for satisfying your sense of self as a "better than" & as a nice guy to others, esp to her or him. Dearest, as forsaker of Self, you are allowing an intimate to say whether you exist. God forbid. "School of Life" has some videos speaking of how to stand for yourself. A phrase I like when presented w a disagreeable plan & asked to agree (in expectation that you'll say 'yes' to please & get along, say, "That won't work for me". It a stop, a break in automaticity if usually u acquiesce. Very important to keep to the front of ur mind is that every decision made by a partner who has a best friend with benefits secretly is EVERY decision is made based on your partner's wants. If u are told a decision that looks beneficial to you, looks as if it was made w u in mind, I will hazard seeming harsh to say, suspect that it wasn't. Your mind is being controlled & your heart twisted & you can't know the backstory behind what you hear bc the Other is unknown. Lunches & sex after before the little tyke needs pick up from school? Not an activity you'll likely discover. Sacred sex? Safe sex? The brain high on risky behavior is tantamount to a mind on meth. The risk is addictive. Now you might see how ur partner could say, "You never came to mind." The dopamine, the ego mirroring, the partner who would mock other people w him/her. "He/she made me laugh." Laughter at the mocking, people objects. First, don't set yourself up to be controlled. If u r needy for attn, assess first if u are caretaking your soul, are u loving ur soul as u would in delighting in a child. You are uniquely you, & we all uniquely are mixed with our difficulties & with our finer aspects. But no one is 100% agreeable to anyone & certainly not everyone. A book by Patricia Harris helps in seeing how you can be encroached upon. And God help you if you are betrayed, EMDR therapy is tremendous as a triggerdefuse. And the rage that comes? I figure it arises as an expression of the soul being neglected. If raging, check in with ur soul. The Samsung J7, an old phone, has been remarkably resilient to throwing throwing when stressfully frustrated & the old stuff rises to bite though we've reconciled & are two individuals who love sincerely ourselves & each other. Have a plan to call for help if the impulsive rxn to pain piercing you is suicide. Have u heard how some preteens as their bones grow have bone pain. It's a tough period of time I imagine. I wouldn't dare give you a platitude. I just say have a physical safe release for ur anger & tears in pain. Avoid triggers. Be gentle to you. It's was a revelation to me to see I pushed myself to do more tasks following an EMDR session & experienced rage & understood, I needed to do an easy something, walk the dog, etc., not push-push. You become more self-aware. I've written all of this bc I hope if ur personality is avoidant of conflict w agreeableness as ur method that you'll start w perhaps, "That won't work for me," & also, if ur married, put aside a nest egg for escape if ur ability as a wage-earner changes & you are or could become dependent. Feeling trapped can lead to hopelessness & impulsively to suicide.

  12. I just came to say people who clicked on this video with this title should straight up kill themselves

  13. Question: Are the relationship tenets that you're speaking only refer to homosexual/lesbian couples? I have to ask, because the models that have FACETIME are obviously lesbian… I'm heterosexual… Question: Wouldn't you consider that a hetero-male would be SLIGHTLY offended that no heterosexual model was ever depicted, even though the facts presented in your video was somewhat "universal"? Just thought I'd put that out there…

  14. Definitely been like this. Personally, I just realized I have to validate myself and not seek it externally. I also make it a point to openly communicate if I feel neglected. Saying something like "Hey, something has been on my mind for a while, can we talk?" Follow that up with a conversation that comes from love and joy has worked wonders for me.

  15. Pretty sure this is why my ex started acting like such a c***. Not sure if I should feel smug and validated or guilty and apologetic lol

  16. You only fall in love with a version of yourself. You don't love another; you love the favorable reflection of yourself that another provides. Others are mirrors on which we project the real time narratives of our filtered identities.

  17. This video is one of the most insightful, helpful, nessesary lessons anyone could ever hope to learn ~ thank you so much

  18. WAIT A MINUTE! HOLD-UP! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT THIS LGBTQ RAINBOW BULLSHIT HAS MADE IT THIS FAR 🤯!? YOU START THIS SHIT WITH 2 WOMEN IN THE BED TOGETHER! GOOD BYE! 🌈😱🤷🏽‍♂️🖕🏽👎🏽

  19. Relationships are not worth the trouble. Goddamn, why do people that already know that life is difficult; make it worse by allowing another person intertwine their life into yours? That’s like asking for a whole new set of problems in the shape of a human.

  20. WINNERS show off, as Losers trash & try to teardown those
    who are showing.
    WINNERS include…Apple, Microsoft, Tesla and, so many more.
    We wouldn't have Leaders & World Leaders in the World or
    even in Innovation, if many didn't show off.
    So many just sit back in life & just watch those who
    continue to lead the show.

    WINNERS toot their/our own horn…for even being Recognized serves it's
    Purpose…Coming up 😉
    Show up in life.

  21. The title of this channel sounds enticing, yet the posts just describe the situation. The language is smart, the speaker is good. The title of the channel made me watch many posts. I do miss clear instructions on how to get around / over the situation, like
    Step 1—> expected outcome 1
    Step 2 —> expected outcome 2 and so on.
    This doesn't relate to the post I'm writing the comment for alone but for all of them.
    I cannot make use of the philosophical story telling. Too bad.

  22. Imma save my love and attention for myself. This partner business is for the birds! Or ya know, other species that wish to reproduce.

  23. The question is why the school of life when it comes to relationships and love videos you guys rarely put a man and women relationship as an example

  24. You have a beautiful presentation, BUT you keep uploading click bait videos. It happened to me before. I watch the video in order to get the answer that you have as a title and you disappoint me. You are simply describing situations that are truth. Not giving actual answers to the title. Unsubscribe, sorry 😐

  25. So the question in the title has not really been answered here? The video just claims you should be in a relationship where you can seek attention. Pointless really.

  26. The problem here is the person seeking attention doesn't understand what or why they are doing it and even if they watch this video they won't understand how it relates to them.

  27. put the lesbians in the video and no one bats an eye
    put gay's in there and everyone loses their minds…
    funny.

  28. I don’t know any good way how to get people’s attention except the bad ones coz most young people like to play games in the relationship..

  29. Here's the straight dope: If someone tells you “I don't love you anymore” it's because they never did to begin with. It's not possible to “unlove” someone. Infatuation and love are two different things. Ego has an endless list of “reasons” to leave. Love only requires one to stay.

  30. I've done the slow but calm step of telling my partner, and he labelled me as "demanding attention" which is tiring for him. I'm just tired of trying

  31. Its not all about attention seeking we just entertaining others because happiness of the others it is a big smile for me too. Yeah sometimes we hurt some people.

  32. what about in cases where someone has Borderline dx or sx? Dependency might not be something to celebrate, no?

  33. I'm confused. You seem to have gone out of your way to indicate an LGBT couple so is this for the general population or is this focusing on LGBT? Please don't be PC when it comes to education.

  34. Watching the 2nd videos of this channel, I can truthfully say it's full of embellished crappy words. The title their videos with HOW but there are no answer….a bunch of queued words

  35. This is great but should i send this video to the guy i am dating with since a month ago, i think that have avoidant attachment? :') idk

  36. Es para mi por mi ubicación que el título sale en español? Is it for my location that the video title is in spanish?? Can anyone do that?

  37. When my autistic spectrum 4yr old started misbehaving or throwing things at me to get my attn coz he couldn't speak properly yet, i figured out why he did it, then told him that if he wanted mummy's attn, all he had to do was come up and hug me & if he could, say "i love you mummy", and i would make sure that i stopped what i was doing, turn to him & hug him, finish what i was doing and i would play with him for a while.
    It worked like magic.
    Then i began to apply this principle to every aspect of dealing with every person that i met, and the world began to open up in ways that i've never seen before.
    It is all you need… give first as both an example and a peace offering, and express that you need this back, and it sits the world right on it's little arse ;D

  38. I really wish to translate all of your videos to Arabic .. so much knowledge and information that can be shared

  39. I find it easy.

    You just do your own business without making contact with other people.

    You will find that other people will have their attention to you.

  40. It build the plot but then no tips to improve that. Anyone can say anything but the reason I watched to learn which was missing.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *