Hi, my name’s Ethan Klein and I’m VP of Product here at YouTube, and I would like to introduce you to our wonderful platform. *Sirens blare* Recently, our platform has undergone a couple of changes and sadly, it’s a little bit harder to jerk your little ding-dong than it used to be. Woman: …and some fresh mozzarella for the cheese cuz it’s gonna be scrumptious! (Ethan Klein™ cough) That’s why if you’re creative, you can still do it. Just pretend you’re making a sandwich. (Mini Ethan Klein™ cough) Woman: The egg! We have to put the egg down. Oh my GOOOODDDD!!! Look at that poached egg! I can’t believe what I’m seeing! (Ethan Klein™ cough) (cough again) I would love to poach an egg like that. Any. Day. Of. The. Week. (groans) God, I’d love to poach that egg! 😉 The Lord Ken Bone: Wow, Ethan, great moves. Keep it up, proud of you. Welcome back! We’re back. It’s a video. We’re in- we made a video! Hila: We’re back. Ethan: Anyway, thanks for watching, guys. See you next week. Now today, I want to introduce you guys to a new genre of videos we found. I like to call it the “ultimate egg sandwich” review. There happens to be useful cooking information held within these “ultimate egg sandwich” reviews, but it’s not necessarily the focal point, I would say, of the video. Really, the focal point is, well… I guess, let me show you and I think you guys will understand *Jazzy music* So that’s her intro, that’s the intro on her videos. It’s her walking and the kitchen and smiling for the camera. She’s a chef. She’s in the kitchen. She’s smiling. What did you notice? You fucking perverts! What the hell did you notice?! Ruby Day: Who doesn’t love sandwiches? I mean, “sandwiches?” It is national sandwich month, and I got to thinking, “I needed a new sandwich.” I needed a new breakfast sandwich! Hila: I don’t know how I feel about this. Ethan: Why? Hila: Are you watching this when you cook, like…? Ethan: Yeah, I mean, she’s got good recipes, I- Hila: You are? Ethan: Yeah, sometimes, I mean you… I’ve made the egg sandwich for you, you enjoyed it. (what?!?!) Hila, she’s an accomplished chef, I don’t understand what you’re getting on about? Hila: Is she? Hila: Where is the shirt? They usually have, like, a chef shirt. What happened to the shirt? Ethan: She’s wearing an apron. She’s got an apron on. You think I’m a good chef, right? Hila: Yeah, I do. Ethan: Okay, I learned it from her, I learned it from her. Hila: Really? Ethan: Everything I know. *upbeat, magical music* Of course, There’s a shot where she turns around. Hila: She’s not wearing anything. Ethan: And the apron is going up her ass crack, right where that bacon started. That’s the chef’s secret, you see. She’s got a nice little tramp stamp. Nothing wrong with that. It’s the mark of any great chef. Ruby: Doesn’t this sandwich look scrumptious? What a great way to start your day off with the ultimate breakfast sandwich! Ethan: That is clearly why 3.5 million people have watched this video. The bacon has been completely (Hila: Burned.) burned beyond recognition. Nobody has thought of putting bacon and tomato and egg together before. Hila: It’s so tall, can you- can anyone even take a bite out of this thing? Is that part of the fetish? It’s like… Ethan: She’s got to bite big? Hila: Yeah. Ethan: Probably. Ruby: This thing’s gonna need two hands, and I can already tell you I can’t put my mouth around it, but we’re gonna sure try! *in slow motion* Ethan: Ohhhh my GOOODDDDD!!! Look at that egg!!! MAN!!! HOLY CRAP! Hila: How did you find this video again… Ethan? Ethan: Oh, I just typed in “ultimate egg sandwich recipe gluten free how to cook.” Hila: And you watched this whole thing? Ethan: Yeah, I’ve seen a lot of her videos, it’s really useful. Ethan: Like, there’s another one that she makes where she shows you how to boil a hot dog. Hila: I’m gonna put you on “restricted mode.” Hila: Do you think your parents would want to watch this video? Ethan: I generally like to watch it by myself at night. I find it’s the most peaceful time to study her recipes. So, I would- I usually watch it by myself. *Ethan jerks his ding-dong furiously* Ruby on laptop: -slice of fresh mozzarella. I’m actually going to put it- Ethan: Hila, what the hell? Hila: Why are you watching these reviews?! Ethan: I told you about knocking when I’m watching my egg sandwich reviews, Hila! Hila: I thought you were going to sleep! Ethan: I’m studying, dude, I’m studying! Hila: Can you close this? Ethan: Who’s this for, I wonder? Let’s look at the comments and see if we can get some insight into who’s watching this video. “I know I got here because of your boobs, but watching your videos, I just caught myself in love with your face in your personality (at least the one you showed on video). (Sexy music begins) You have such an amazing face! Your lips are just the exact size: not too thicc and not “barely there”. Your mouth is big (which I consider a very good thing). Your cheeks are full and soft and probably good to kiss. Your eyes are so bright and light and the expression they gave out are just formidable. You are one-of-a-kind and managed to drag my eyes from the chest all the way up to eyes height.” Hila: Oh my God. Ethan: If that is not an incredible compliment, Hila, I don’t know what is. Ethan’s beautiful serenade: Girl, you look so good. Brought my eyes right up from your titties. Girl, you look so good. You’ve got such a great personality. I’d love to put my dick in your titties. Is that mozzarella… ohhh… God DAAAYYYUUUMMM! “By the way, I’m taken, so those compliments are just sincere ones, there’s no second intention behind them.” Hila: Wow. Ethan: I’m glad you said that because I was gonna make a pass. Obviously a guy like that, he fucks like crazy. So shout out to Fernando. If you want to know what’s really going on here, It’s the personality, it’s the charm It’s the kissable cheeks, and most of all, Hila, it’s her ability to drag the eyes from the chest up to the face with her charming, kissable cheeks and bubbly personality. Hater. More serenade: I’d love to put my dick in your titties. This next “ultimate egg sandwich” review is made by Kat’s Tech and this time, it’s not actually an egg sandwich, it’s an iPhone review. Hila: Oh. *soothing music* Kat: Hey guys! It’s me again, and today I actually have a very exciting news. I’m shooting this video. It was a brand new iPhone seven. Yay! Hila: Interesting cinematography. Ethan: I like her “iPhones.” I’m so close to being able to see her “iPhones.” Like, just a little bit to the left and I could totally see her “iPhones.” Ohhh my GEEEERRRRR!!! Do you see that “iPhone”? *grunts* Look at the buttons, man! AAHHHHHH!!! Who’s lucky to have that iPhone?!! Look, this is an educational video. That’s why they get away with it. You clearly see here a product info. It’s got the gigabyte storage. It’s got this dev- sound stereo. Hila: Wow. Ethan: Didn’t know that. Splash, water, and dust resistant and frankly guys, we need to put that water resistance to the test. Kat: I think that’s enough, that was good, that was great… Ethan: Is that the new iPhone? Well, it looks like the phone is water-resistant, but I’m gonna have to do some more research on this later tonight after you go to bed.(By that he mean he is going to jerk his ding dong..) Hila: I thought you didn’t like Apple products.. Ethan: I’m opening up, you know. It’s- a good reviewer can really open your mind, so I’m gonna do some research on this later. I’m gonna take notes and decide if I want I to purchase this product. Hila: Let me know what you learn with this educational video. *Ethan feverishly jerkin’ it* Kat on monitor: -I actually have a very exciting news! Hila: You’re watching this stuff again!? I thought you said you were working! Ethan: I am, I’m learn- I’m researching what a- what new smartphone to get. Hila: This is not research! Ethan: Now, Piper Blush, one of my favorite, uh, late night videos to ‘learn’ from, this one here, “Sports Bra Versus No Bra Jump Rope Test.” Now, would it shock you if I told you that this video has 15 million views in two months? Hila: Yes, it would. Ethan: It does, well, I’m just, I’m telling you that it does. This is after the ad-pocalypse happened, by the way. Everyone’s getting slammed on and meanwhile Ethan’s serenade: You’ve got such a great personality. Let’s jump some rope, ladies and gentlemen. Piper: You might have seen yesterday’s video where I told you that I don’t usually wear bras. But there are some times that I do. Let me show you why. I’m gonna do a skipping rope challenge, comparing every bra. Ethan: I’m like captivated, but I don’t understand why, ’cause she’s not really saying anything. She’s talking like super slowly, but I just can’t- I’m like- I’m really into whatever she’s talking about. Hila: Interesting, cuz I would have probably skipped this video. Ethan: Really, you wouldn’t watch it? Well, clearly 15 million people thought that this had some educational purpose, Hila, So, I don’t know what’s your problem. Like watch here. So here you get even a slow-mo so that you can see the- the liquid dynamics It’s physics, Hila. And then just for- in the sake of science, right, she does one without a bra next. Hila: I like how it’s with a see-through white shirt. Ethan: It’s just a white shirt! Why would you think that she did that purposely to make it see-through? Do I need support? Maybe, I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it, but it’s possible. I’ll be watching this later tonight, and I’ll lock the door, And I’d appreciate it if you’d knock because I don’t like to be disturbed when I’m studying. ‘How do I go from watching NFL videos to this? I’m not complaining, in fact I’m grateful. Whatever wizard is behind this algorithm is a genius and should get a raise.’ I agree. (Hila: Completely agree.)YouTube, you – you’re doing great work. Great, great work. Hila: I like this guy’s uh… for the purpose of more research. He said ‘You should experiment with no bra with a wet t-shirt to see what’s more comfortable.’ Ethan: Right. He’s really concerned about women. Ethan: Yeah, totally. Hila: He just wants us to be comfortable. Ethan: Like and- “like if you agree.” Should I like? Hila: No. Ethan: Oh, okay. I’ll like it later when I’m doing my own research. Now, if you thought that “ultimate egg sandwich” recipe was insane, then you’re gonna have a lot of time wrapping your head around this next video, which is cutting a carrot. That’s it. It’s just- it’s cut- it’s cutting a carrot. Piper: Hi guys, its Piper Blush! Special kitchen tips! Ethan: What is it about her? I just can’t stop watching her carrot reviews. Her carrot views are off the chain! After a mere two months, this “cutting a carrot” tutorial has 3.5 million views. *sexy music* Ethan’s serenade: mmm girl, love your carrots, and you’ve got such a great personality. Hey, can I put my dick between your tits? 3.5 million views in just two months, what a great personality. I’d like to put it in Manny’s head, put it up your butt. Piper: Chop. Ethan: This video is a waste of flippin’ time. These girls are getting 15 million views in two months, and I’m sitting here trying to be funny?! Screw this. Hila: Where are you going? *Bouncy review music* This is educational, because I’m showing you how to peel a carrot! Oh my, what does that remind you of? Your little pee-pee? (Giggles) *gags on carrot* And that’s how you peel a carrot!