Anger Is Essential || Education EPISODE || with Irene Lyon

(upbeat music) – Hey you guys, Irene Lyon here, and welcome to this video. Thank you for watching. Now, if you’ve seen the
title of this video, the word anger is most likely in it. Now I always film my
videos before I title them, just because that’s how I fly, and I want to talk about anger. I’m holding up a book right now, I have a book in my hands. The reason I want to talk about anger is because, well first of all, I keep seeing all these memes and quotes that talk about, you know,
getting rid of our anger, and being compassionate, and putting love and light
towards that aggression, and anger, and da dida dida dida… All this stuff that we’re trying to do in our world to be more compassionate and heal, and while I believe compassion is very important, as is empathy, when we don’t learn how
to be with our anger and process it and metabolize it and work with it, we get sick. And it is one of the hardest things for people in the Western
world, folks who are well meaning and good, to understand why would I want to feel anger, and why would I want to
express it and work with it. So I’m gonna read a passage. This is from When The Body Says No, hopefully you can see that, by Dr. Gabor Mate, on of my kind-of heroes in the medical world. And this is the end of his book, the seven A’s of healing. And the third A is anger. And he writes here, quoting Woody Allen, “I never get angry, I
grow a tumor instead.” So throughout this book he writes “We have seen the truth
of the drole remark “in numerous studies of cancer patients. “We have also seen that
the repression of anger “is a major risk factor for disease “because it increases physiological
stress on the organism.” So the repression of anger… So here’s what I want you to think of, this is the best way to
describe it, to describe it. If you think about a momma bear. I grew up with bears,
seeing them in my backyard up in Whistler, um, cubs,
all that sort of thing, if you were to approach a bear, or come across a bear with her cubs, she will not be happy. She will mount up a survival
response to protect her young. That’s her job, right? If she was to not do that,
something would be wrong something would be off, right? As a mammal, she understands this need to bond and protect and nurture her young. But because she’s also, she’s not a human with a very advanced neo-cortex, there’s nothing that says “I probably shouldn’t
growl at this passerby ’cause I might look a little too mean,” or I don’t wanna like, you know be seen as this ugly grimacing mean bear. She doesn’t think that, she
works with her physiology, she feels it, she feels
a threat, she responds. Us as humans, we are mammals, we have got the same biological
emotions as other mammals. Joy, sadness, surprise,
disgust, fear, anger. We need to be able to
experience, emit and process all these emotions, so
the reason I’m filming this right now is I’ve had lots of people in my practice that come in and see me, many of them have chronic conditions, things like fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, chronic fatigue,
digestive problems, trouble just having energy, trouble moving forward in their lives, the list is long. And two things either happen when I start to question them about emotions or I start to understand their
physiology and I see tightness in the jaw,
tightness in the chest, these sort of things. Trouble setting boundaries and limits in their either peer group,
in their relationships with their children. So either, two things, they either never saw their parents in a healthy way fighting. So either there was no
fighting, no emotion, but not even the showing
of affection, so nothing, like just complete flatline
emotional affect in the family. So that’s one very common thing, that occur, has occurred or occurs in our Western society of
industrialization and what we would call civilized. And then there’s the flip-side or the other end of the spectrum, which is families who do not know how to work with and be with their anger and aggression in a healthy way. And often that comes
out in extreme violence, rage, a horrible, horrible toxic abuse, whether it’s physical,
sexual or emotional, and they see the anger or
they had an imprint of it, of highly, highly
threatening scary, therefore they don’t want to emit any
of it because they don’t want to be like their families, it was too painful, it was traumatic. So what often occurs is these people, these adults who just wanna heal, they are uncomfortable
tapping into their anger and to their healthy aggression. And healthy aggression and anger is biological, it’s emotive, it’s our
life force, and one of my mentor’s, Peter Levine, has
often talked about this, and I’ve worked with him in
master classes and workshops, when we suppress our anger,
when we repress it down, it stunts and limits
our life force energy. It literally shuts us down. Over time, if we keep
doing this, it eventually leads to depression and other forms of physiological diseases
just as Gabor Mate said in that passage I just read you. Diseases of the physiology, where things start to shut down,
they start to slow down, and we can’t get the
healthy oxygen and blood to profuse that area
so it can either bring nutrients or take away waste products. Be sure to watch one of my other videos, I will post it somewhere here, or below, on how chronic conditions occur, how chronic illness occurs, and it has to
do with our fight/flight energy being up-up really high, but then our parasympathetic shutdown energy also being on high, and
then they crossover, and then that’s when you
create a chronic illness. All right, so make sure you watch that, ’cause that’ll explain to you what occurs when we stay stuck in our fight/flight but we’re also stuck in our shutdown, which is what occurs. Think about it, fight/flight, think about that mamma bear, she wants to fight, she wants to protect, she
wants to get her cub away. If she didn’t do that
she would put herself into a shutdown response, right? She wouldn’t allow herself to express. And then that’s when things go wrong. In the wild, animals just express the fight/flight, they get it over with. Yes, someone might end up getting killed, but that’s the way it is out in the wild. The trouble with us humans is we have this conundrum where we have
created civilized society. And we cannot go out and be barbaric and destroy everything
that is in our path. What we’ve seen recently, and throughout our worlds, and years, is that we have war and we have violence and we have mass shootings and we have parents that brutally hurt
and abuse their children, it is epidemic. Epidemic. I’ll post some other vlogs for you to watch on this topic. But why do we do that? Why do we do that? Why do we hurt others? And the reason is, what I
believe from what I’ve seen, we have not taught our population how to feel these energies
and work with them. We’ve only taught them
how to suppress them down, and pretend everything is fine. I’m fine, right? No I’m not angry, even though inside there’s this rage wanting to burst out. When we do that enough, we set up, as I said, this toxic high pressure in the system, and then
something will happen, And we’ll snap, literally.
(snapping) We’ll snap,right? People that, I know this
is a terrible visual, but people that go in and
create these situations of mass shootings, they’re
not in their higher brain. There’s no way in hell
someone who is in good human relation and
empathy, social engagement, it’s a part of our
parasympathetic nervous system, that wants to connect and be with others and loved, and listen, people
that are doing these things they are not in that part
of their nervous system. They are in either the fight/flight or the parasympathetic system
that is in shutdown, where you don’t feel, right? That’s the situation that they’re in. And so they act out
these violent hate crimes because they don’t know how to express and move this anger out of their systems. Chances are, there was a
time in their life where something was done very wrong to them, where they were wronged,
where they were abused, where they weren’t allowed to express, and they internalized it. And then at some point
down the line they crack, they have to get it out, or in other cases they end up with a very severe illness. So, bottom line, anger is essential. We don’t wanna put on a happy face when we feel angry, we
actually want to notice it, be with it, learn what to do with it, and then move forward. The trouble is, is that we have suppressed from very young age children to not feel their anger because we think it’s
wrong, we think it’s bad, and it’s not, right? It’s not, and the reason why
parent’s tend to do that, sorry parents, it’s kind
of true, because they, you weren’t shown how to do it yourself. It’s the cycle, we have
to break the cycle. We have to break it. If we don’t break it we’re just gonna keep this cycle of trauma
continuing, over and over, we’re gonna keep producing human society, societies where we repress. The good thing is I’m starting to see clients in their 20s and 30s who are realizing that they
wanna stop these cycles, they wanna stop the trauma responses, the generational trauma
that’s been embedded literally in their genetics. They’re wanting to stop it because they don’t want to do it anymore, and they see the impact
on the global picture. Now, again, somewhere around this video, if you’re not watching this video on my YouTube channel, or if you’re watching this in Facebook,
go to my YouTube channel. Underneath it I’m going to
post, in the Show More section, other articles that I have written on the topic of anger,
and hate, and violence and how to unfrustrate frustration. Some articles that my husband, Seth Lyon, has written that really explains a little bit more about this, and some exercises that you can do to start to get this moving. The one thing that I
will caution you with, is if you’re listening
to this and you’re saying “I, no, I’m a compassionate,
loving person, “there’s no way I can be angry.” You gotta get over that. You gotta get over that. Our biology, if it’s in that fight/flight, it will drive the front of our bus. And you can put on as much love and light and peace and all the
stuff that comes with that, right, into the system, but if that system has unresolved angry and
aggression that never got out, you will have a tight jaw, you will have trouble with anxiety, you will get sick later down the road just as Gabor Mate
talked about in his book. I highly recommend that book,
I’ll also link it below. So, know that you’re a human being, you’re an animal human being that has these impulses
that need to get out. If you were ever wronged or harmed, even just emotionally or verbally and you held it back, not good. That stuff is still sitting in there. Time does not heal these wounds, okay? All right, so I’m gonna leave it at that. As you can see I’m very
passionate about this topic, it is not taught, and we
need to really learn it. So if you want to learn more about this for yourself, for those
that maybe you work with in your own practices, if you’re not at my YouTube channel, head over there and check out my links, or you can head over to
my website, sign up for my email updates and check out the other programs that I offer throughout the year and a few times a year. Take very good care, and
we’ll see you next time. (upbeat music)

22 thoughts on “Anger Is Essential || Education EPISODE || with Irene Lyon”

  1. Great clear information, thanks Irene… Lets Learn how to be real with & through awareness & regulation!

  2. Hi Irene,

    Thank you very much for the work you are doing and the information you are sharing.

    I like very much what you are saying in the video but that last part about if you've ever been wronged in any way and you've not let it out it stays forever. Can you elaborate more because it's quite the general statement. What I got out of it is that I should go back to all the situations I've had and resolve them somehow.

    Also what is your opinion on these approaches to anger:

    I recently had such an experience where I stopped my expression of anger because I felt that my response will go in the direction of excess and harming and later I was able to work through the emotion by figuring out what I would be most comfortable with doing in that situation if it ever occurred again.

    The possibility to train yourself to not get angry or frustrated almost at all – the buddhist maxim "have no expectations and you won't get hurt". Or as Don Juan from Carlos Castaneda's books says "I am no longer moved by the doings of men".

    Do they work or are just rationalizations that suppress anger and lead to stored up stress or something else?

    Best of wishes,

  3. your videos are amazingly insightful. I've learned so much from them. Could you say that the exterior emotion of fear, anxiety even social anxiety is anger that has been turned inwards toward the self?

  4. would also like to ask if trauma could even begin at birth or even in pre birth which seems to go along with ArthurJanovs primal therapy theory?

  5. Irene, this is something I always felt I was unable to express because I was shamed about anger due to my Mum (still my rock) who told me I was too angry when I feel I had a right to be at the time. I process it by getting it out first then I'm able to come to a place of peace but years of abusive men and trauma has caused me to develop chronic illness. This resonates with me so much and I'm not giving up on healing even at 54 years old. Thank you for being a strong voice in this issue we have in our society!

  6. Hearing you talk about how going into shutdown mode is our parasympathetic nervous system shutting down, and shutting things down, then talking about how our parasympathetic nervous system IS OUR CONNECTION TO OTHERS, in the context of mass shootings… wow. Big aha moment for me. They froze, and their connection and empathy for others froze with it.

    This is significant for me, as I also struggle with this a lot. I don't act it out externally, it's all internal – I don't reach out, I don't connect, I don't ask for help. I've dealt with MASSIVE shame and fear around connecting to others – and this makes sense given that this part of my nervous system is what's part of what's really badly shut down in me too. I've come a long way, but I have an early, very early, history of massive neglect and abandonment, and now that I think of it, shutdown at my birth, so I have a long way to go still.

    One thing I would love this culture to recognize more is the impact that neglect has. If it's true that it shuts down the parasympathetic, then it is far more damaging in the long run to a functioning human being than outright abuse is – because at least with abuse you can still come back to homeostasis. Of course, many of us are dealing with both, and then things really get sticky.

  7. OH MY GOSH. This video resonates with me SO MUCH. I know full well that I have a massive ball of unresolved anger screaming inside me but I'm too afraid to engage it, and I don't even know how anymore. I've had to keep it in in order to keep on going, to keep peace with the people I was relying on in various ways, or people that I had to interact with etc…. and yeah I don't even know how to respond to it anymore. But it's definitely there. It wakes me up at night and makes me want to scream.

  8. Also this reminds me of a show I watched on Netflix recently called Aggretsuko. it's a cartoon about an office worker who vents her frustrations about her work and life by singing death metal in karaoke. After watching this video, I feel like I empathize more with that character than I realized before, haha.

  9. Wow, every video of yours I've listened to so far is excellent! You really speak the truth. Anger was not allowed in my family (emotions in general), with tragic and disastrous consequences for everyone. My parents reacted to their tumultuous childhoods where anger was acted out freely and destructively by going to the opposite extreme and suppressing/repressing emotions. NOT the solution!!! What gets suppressed/repressed gets acted out in even more extreme ways, and people eventually either explode or implode. Multiple tragedies in my family has been the result of that misguided approach to dealing (not dealing) with anger and other emotions.

  10. but i dont understand because animals demonstrate a "freeze" response too, like deer caught in the headlights type of thing. so its not just humans that go into a freeze response and dont express the fight or flight

  11. How do I stand up for being mistreated when society says it's wrong to do so. For example I needed less hours at my part time job to take care of my health, so I spoke with my boss about it. I did my best to be acomodating (stay and train a replacement, stay on call, the usual 2 weeks notice, etc), but my boss threatened me with a bad reference in the future. I said that bad reference or not, I still need time to care for my health or there might never be another job. It's a tiny business, my direct supervisor is the business owner, so there's no HR. I still did what's best for me in the end, but his threat really hurt me to the core. Why would he hurt someone already suffering. Yet if I bring it up how much it hurt to be kicked when I'm already down, it would be seen as "being a troublemaker", basically the same as when I was in my family. I'm trying to "let go" but it still hurts so much.

  12. This is so good that I don't want to hear it so fast: Because I want it to last and never stop, I want to hear it anew again when not as stress exhausted and messed up.
    What a well-spoken, healthy rarity of a woman! I am sad that I didn't find any for me in my country, knowing i need help on a onoeon one basis, I shan't even begin to ask for phone or Skype consultations.I am starved of human contact, as bad a s it sounds and as I didn't think would ever happen to me. i have to hear this again, when i can take it on,it is so powerful. Thanks, Goddess.

  13. yay! Way to speak it Irene! One question to clarify- my understanding is social engagement is a healthy balance of both sympathetic and parasympathetic- thus making the window of tolerance???? (ie: not just parasympathetic )

  14. I am so glad that you are speaking about this Thema because I see that around me in the society that everybody trying to put on this Mask of
    being sooooo enlightened and lovely, obwohl I can see their face or bodily reactions and sense their energy ( I am an highly evolved Empath)
    that tells me otherwise..however I had to learn to deal with the Anger myself years ago , it is not easy to accept ths shadow side from us but eventually one learns it and becomes free and much happier person with oneself..Thank you..

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *